off the map: everyone on this show needs to get laid

before i dive into the gloriousness of last night’s episode, let me do a quick intro to each character. and the show. also, this is not my review post, actually, because i love you and don’t want you to hate me for a post that is ten miles long. SO. introductions, then later, a terribly brilliant and cutting review of the episode.

this introduction does not include character names, because i don’t remember them. instead, witty nicknames for everyone!

the show premise: grey’s anatomy goes to unnamed south american jungle island. half the people on this show are just vaguely different versions of people from grey’s. the show is a shonda rhimes production, and since grey’s is apparently still on the air, clearly the woman knows her trashy doctor shows. well done, madam. every episode involves a ridiculously dramatic premise, and everyone looking angsty.

Scruffy Doctor: i think he’s supposed to elicit woeful feeling, because this man has women (literally) dying all around him, but instead, i am distracted by his accent (which comes and goes) and by my own personal lust for him. he’s the McDreamy of the Jungle, i think

Meredith of the Jungle: tiny. brunette. sad about a fiance who died in a bike accident? or he was hit by a bus? i can’t remember. at any rate. she is currently quasi-involved with Attractive Coke Farmer. she has a hero complex and dark secrets, i think.

Handsome Doctor: this man is OBSCENELY attractive. and has a no-heroin record of 9 months, which, yay, but they’ve already thrown heroin in his path once this season, and they keep making veiled references to his addiction, and i fear that they’re going to make him go away. also, he has lived in Jungle Paradise forever, so he knows EVERYONE ON THE ISLAND.

Red: the redheaded lady doctor. with chagas disease. and congestive heart failure. whee! she is also the killer vampire from twilight (i have NEVER seen that, no, i just, uh…know things…). her character kind of irritates me. Scruffy loves Red, though, which means she will probably die.

Lady Boss: this woman is crazy pretty. and yells in spanish a lot, which i love. Handsome is totally head over heels for her but they had their fling and now…are unflung? except…well. the review post will explain what is going on there.

Grumpy Blonde: one of M-of-the-J’s fellow young doctors. she killed someone (by accident) back in the states and so Jungle Paradise is her chance for redemption. she is the typical “surly lady who will surely be softened by LOVE” character. i like her because she is grumpy. she and the next doctor on my list, Kinda-Douchey Doc, had some hot garden lovin’ last episode, and i want them to do that again, please.

Kinda-Douchy Doc: he is the plastic surgeon who does not practice that in Jungle Paradise. attractive. ought to be shirtless more often. spends a lot of time dealing with the fact that he is not a big deal in Jungle Paradise. friends with Inexplicable Boy. garden lovin’ with Grumpy Blonde. CLEARLY likes her a lot. promising plot there.

Inexplicable Boy: this kid is 16, or something, and never attends school, because he is ALWAYS at the clinic, occasionally helping KDD, and making clever comments. possibly the most likable person on the show. i’m sure he’ll get a good tragedy soon. or a horrible wound. or both! he is Inexplicable Boy because i am not sure why he is there. at all.

Attractive Coke Farmer: good gravy, this man. nom. he is the lovah of M-of-the-J, except not right now, because she realized he was a hardcore drug farmer, and she (understandably) was a bit freaked out by that, which somehow was twisted into his being mad at her? no idea. they hooked up in a waterfall once. he is pretty.

that covers most of the characters. this show is ridiculous and i f*ing love it. mid-week, when i’m dragging and want to call in sick, it is the perfect piece of fluffy nonsense to perk me up and make me laugh. could care less that it is horrible.