off the map: i’m home

(uh, “i’m home” is the episode title, in case you’re wondering if i’ve had a total mental snap and feel comforted only by the presence of this show)

little backstory here: Red has chagas disease, and apparently that works JUST LIKE A TICKING TIME BOMB because it has been twenty years since she was first bitten by the assassin bug (uh, if you read this for any level of scientific accuracy, you should stop now) (also, for my roommates: SCIENCE!), and now her heart is going to give out. i would be sad if i liked her character. she went to new york to…get a heart? get on a list for hearts? not sure, but it didn’t take long, because she is back now.

the episode starts out with, from my notes, Scruffy and Red talking. my notes say “Scruffy – I would do him” (direct quote from roommate D), and “Red – meh”, so i’m kind of guessing here. i don’t really pay that much attention until they go into surgery, and then i’m hooked. alright, plot point – there is “an outbreak” at the local prison. or not local, i don’t catch where it is. i need to see a map of this island, or make a map. roomies, we’re totally making a map of the island.

jungle prison is appropriately grimy, and upon arrival, Handsome goes to check on Artistic Prisoner, who is old, and…jaundiced, actually. and talking to an imaginary friend (OR SO WE’RE LED TO BELIEVE…). his prison cell is bigger than my bedroom. and covered in artwork, because apparently jungle prison has a nice art supply closet. Handsome checks in, then somehow is led to inspect Artistic Prisoner (Hugo)’s tummy, which is HOLY NASTINESS distended. urk. cue screaming on the couch at my house.

back at the jungle clinic, Meredith of the Jungle is handed a light case, because last week she watched some kid drown, and is traumatized. she meets a woman who seems kind of awesome. takes no medication, sees no doctor, and once “wrestled a chicken out of the mouth of a caiman”, so we know she is tough. she is here because…her knee hurts, i think, and her son is worried she has gout. sure! why not? she informs Jungle Meredith that she doesn’t need aspirin, all she needs is tequila and a hot bath. i like her.

at this point, i typed out “SON IS TOTES THE COKE DEALER” aaaaand lo, i called it. 1 point for tess! goodness, hei s purty. “He looks good for a coke dealer”, “He looks good for anyone!” (couch conversation. we are shallow, shallow people)

back at the jungle prison, Red gets ready to go to another cell. she says “i’ll be fine”, which we all know to mean “i will collapse somehow”. there is a tussle, somehow the couch conversation involves the word “orgies”, so i miss whatever happened, and will just assume that the prisoner in that cell tried to tackle Red. or she fainted.

clinic! mama says she’s going to go, she’ll be fine, aaaand she’s down and out and possibly having a seizure. good times. (i called this as well, so 2 points for me!). Jungle Meredith and Attractive Coke Dealer have a fight, or something, about what i am not sure, but couldn’t she just tell him that drugs make her sad and she doesn’t feel comfortable with it? no? okay then.

something at the prison with Red and Scruffy, she is being all stubborn, and he tells a guard “she’s way more agreeable when you agree with her”. well, duh, people tend to be happier when you agree with them. these two are annoying me.

hugo is on a boat for transportation to the clinic, everyone thinks he’s going to miss his imaginary friend, when Scruffy suddenly has the thought that maybe this man is not insane, and asks if the men’s prison shares a wall with the lady prison. it does. back to the luxury cell! the guard insists that there are no vents to connect the prisons, i say “except for the one brick he knocked out to chat with his friend” AND I AM RIGHT.

in the lady prison, we find that his prison friend is a woman who…looks….wait…oh my GOD she’s from 10 things i hate about you (mandella)! this makes me HAPPY. except her character has hepatitis a, which is not good. she is in lady prison serving a ten-year sentence for trying to bring heroin back to the states. i (falsely, it seems) decide that she and Handsome have something in common, and will fall in love, but she will die.

in surgery, hugo’s liver is shot, and looks really gross. they keep operating, because something is causing the liver to be disgusting. meredith (i should look up the character name) talks to mama, and we find out that she runs the farm with her son. aw, a family business! Scruffy and Red take out a section of intestine (soundbite from the couch: ew, ew, ew, it looks like sausage!). ew, and then they find a nest of worms in hugo. i scream.

handsome brings mandella to see her friend, because they have never met in person, and lady boss doctor casually mentions that he is in a coma now.

the three young doctors chat about “board games”, which is their clever sneaky word for sex, around the Inexplicable Boy, who is smart enough to figure out the code. grumpy and kinda-douchey doc are awkward. etc. this bores me.

handsome agrees to uncuff mandella, which means she will run away. in surgery, Red collapses, and the guard watching mandella has to come stick his hand into hugo’s abdominal cavity to keep him alive. hugo wakes up (comas are really easy to come out of when you need to shake up a plotline). Red comes to, she is fine, but dying, obviously. the guard looks like he needs a tequila or ten.

grumpy and douchey confide their feelings in meredith. in sum: douchey keeps thinking about grumpy’s boobs, and grumpy is just painfully awkward. then the attractive drug farmer comes over and yells in spanish (hot) at meredith about how he doesn’t trust her to be his mom’s doctor (less hot, and also…huh?). mama’s machine beeps, meredith runs over, he’s there yelling at her (!! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?), she sticks a NEEDLE into mama’s HEART and pulls out fluid and poof! magic! all better!

handsome finds mandella in a hospital gown that covers way more than most do, tells her she can either go free or come meet her best friend, she cries by a river and then decides to go meet hugo. that made as much sense on tv as it does on paper, i promise. hugo doesn’t know it’s her at first, then he figures it out, and dies while watching the sun set. lady boss is giving handsome a look that says “you are gonna get some”, and she later informs him that she wants him. well. SOMEONE on this show understands that honesty is most effective.

mama has lupus, and also informs meredith that she started growing drugs to help her kids. sweet, but also this is the weirdest PSA ever: “drugs saved my family”, or something. grumpy and douchey discuss Feelings, and decide to be friends and not be awkward. yeah, not going to happen. it is difficult to be friends when one person keeps picturing the other naked. apparently, grumpy is a messed-up girl because she was an only child, which is a whole ‘nother blog post full of rage.

meredith and her lovah come to an agree-to-disagree compromise, and she will take care of his mom. aw. y’all will get back together eventually.

the episode ends with scruffy helping red, and it is clear that her death will be a Big Deal Episode.

basically, everyone on this show is insane. and i love them. and tequila and a hot bath sounds about as awesome as one can get.