on self-image and why i shouldn’t dwell on it early in the morning
setting: my bathroom, roughly 20 minutes ago
scene: i do some sort of unnatural yoga contortion in order to reach the zipper on my dress and zip it up. then i nearly cry but don’t because this dress is…tighter than it usually is. like a lot tighter. and crying might rip something.
basically, i think i know what it was like to wear a corset. and that is REALLY depressing.
normally i have a pretty good self-image. no idea of if i’m attractive or not, but i almost always feel comfortable in my own skin. recently, not so much. recently, i am pretty sure i’m at the high end of my comfort weight spectrum. and that pisses me off. because i know why. i don’t eat much when i’m really stressed, but as my mind works through the stress, my instinct is to reach for everything edible. bad habit. and my stress means that my recent work-out kick died – i can’t explain the logic, it just did.
i’d say i’ll be good now and work out all the time and not eat when the mood strikes. i can guarantee i can cut back on snacking, i’m pretty good at reminding myself of intelligent eating habits. but working out on a regular basis? i don’t know. that’s harder. i hate working out. i hate getting flushed and sweaty (especially around other people, for example, the gym. or running outside).
but enough is enough. i need to feel better about myself, because for me that is normal, and i’m tired of how i feel now.
also, i cannot afford to buy new clothing.
and maybe part of this post is that it is early, and i have not had coffee, and i’m worried about school starting and how it will go and will i do well and what if being a teacher is the wrong path (isn’t the inside of my brain FUN?). and perhaps i should not think about self-image early in the morning when my brain is waking up and taking a stroll through the bad part of town, if you will.
so. deep breath. put the jillian michaels dvd in with the things i need for my housesitting job. figure that two dogs probably won’t judge me for doing absurd exercises in front of the tv. and carry on.
sorry for the woe-is-me post, y’all. just needed to get it out. and i figure i’m not alone in these thoughts?