i thought the gym would make me less grumpy

monday after my 8 am class, i went to the gym for the first time in a really long time. i ran on the treadmill, i did sit-ups, i worked with free weights. i tried really hard not to compare myself to the girls around me.

fact: that is not easy to do when your gym is populated by undergrad students who were all apparently Best Athlete in their high school yearbook.

music helps. it distracts me. reminding myself that i’m competing with myself and only myself helps as well.

but it isn’t easy. i’m just past my comfort weight zone, and i hate that. so i want to feel healthier immediately. it won’t be immediate. i know that. i will remind myself of that. i don’t want to lose weight. my goal is to be in better shape. that means working out. a drastic change to my normal routine, working out. it’ll probably mean weight loss. i’ll judge that by feel, though. i can usually tell when i’m where i’m most comfortable. right now, i’m outside of that range.

monday felt like a very monday kind of monday. grumpy. tired. out of it. the gym sort of helped. yesterday was fine until one little thing tipped my mental scale to Very Grumpy. the gym was, at that point, 8 hours behind me, so it sort of had no effect at all.

maybe the more i do this, the more it will help on a lot of points. health, sure, the physical kind, but maybe also the mental kind. that i’ll remember to compete with myself. not to compare to others. to take deep breaths so i don’t pass out. to not stop when i have a good pace or i’ll fall over. to set tiny goals (ran for 17 minutes? go one more. go until you can’t.). to set big goals (maybe a 5k in the spring). to find my happy place.

i know it’s awfully early for this much melancholy and poetical thinking. i haven’t had coffee yet. and because i am really conscious of getting hurt, this week is a 4-days-at-the-gym week. today is my off-day. i’ll clean my room (which will help my brain-space as well), get reading done, go grocery shopping in the evening. tomorrow it’s back to the gym. friday too. i can do this. i will do this.