in which the dog gives me a heart attack

this inner monologue occurred while walking the sweet-but-not-bright dog about twenty minutes ago

huh, the dog’s shadow seems extra drooly all of a sudden. and her lip is all puffed up. oh god, she’s been snakebit! wait, no, that cannot be right. maybe she found a rock, since dogs like to carry rocks. wait. where would she have found that much rock? i should stop. oh, it’s just a stick. nicole! give me the stick! OH MY GOD DISGUSTING. cigar butt.

dog: SNARF HORK SLURP OM NOM NOM HALF OF THE CIGAR.

oh. my. god. the dog is going to get nicotine poisoning and die.

upon returning home, i called the vet, who cheerily told me that she is a smoker and her 22-pound cocker spaniel “munches on cigarette boxes all the time”.

so i’ll just spend my afternoon watching the dog for signs of hyperactivity or vomiting. joy.

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