gin basil smashes, lifelong dreams, and the most amazing haircut ever

a few of my fantabulous lady friends and i have a semi-regular tradition of getting together for ladies’ dinners. or drinks. or desserts. tonight i met a couple of them (hi, i love you both) for dinner and mostly drinks. i had a gin basil smash, which HOT DAMN, was potent. like, all gin, some basil, much smash.

clearly. late night blogging should, by now, to you, my three readers, imply STRONGLY the word smash.

oh god, the dog is licking my knee. weirdo.

anyhow. lady dinners and drinks make me happy. and i want to find happiness where i can, because otherwise i get all bogged down in my occasional hypochondria (twin bruises on my calves. LEG CANCER? stomachache. PREGNANT CANCER? this is how my brain works) and seeped in stress. and as i’m a month away from being the only woman in a house of men (though B promised that i could go as cleopatra for halloween and the four male housemates would carry me. and i am holding him/them to that), i need a bit of girl energy in my life.

and now i’m home, snuggled on the couch and watched julie and julia. and i love the book more, but this always makes me think…will i do something big? or medium? how could i make my mark on the world? i love to bake, and i am starting to love to cook…and writing lets me get out the words that i get too tongue-tied to spit out in person. my friend M and i used to, long ago, when i started to write a blog, joke that when i got famous, i’d buy her shoes.

y’all. i sort of want to buy M a nice pair of fancy shoes. i mean. teaching is what i think i’m supposed to do. but i need…something else. something where i can not be soaked in career-ness. my escape. i feel…at home in the kitchen. happy. busy. dancey. i am most proud of myself when i bake a perfect cake or cupcake or cookie. like, i just step back and go – why yes, i am amazing. which is nice, because a lot of the time, i’m just not sure about me. not down on myself, just incredibly neutral. so it’s nice to feel a bit vain from time to time.

speaking of vanity. today i got what i think shall be referred to as an Investment Haircut. i love my hair. i love the color, i love how it moves, i just…am in love with it. and i’ve been growing it out. a lot. so today, i went to a new salon. my girl, the one who has taken my hair from chin-length bob to stacked bob all the way through growing out into the awkward phase, is getting married, and going to nursing school, and UGH. so i went to a new place. and a new person. and he. was. amazing. i got a scalp massage (i nearly fell asleep with my head in the sink), was talked into a collagen treatment for my hair (SO MUCH OOMPH), got bulk taken out, the angle from the old bob removed, and luxury restored to my mane. my hair is now soft, and silky, and swooshy, and smells like heaven. my vanity is fully alive. i keep staring at it. new, thicker bangs. love. love. love. it felt SO grown-up.

so. here i am. tipsy, watching a movie that will make me cry, swooshing my hair into my face so i can smell it. with gold nail polish on. and wondering…what can i do outside of my planned career to feel a bit of oomph? i doubt i’ll be famous, ever. but i need…something.