season 17 of the bachelor: initial thoughts

sean lowe is the bachelor for season 17 of the most absurd show ever. he had his heart “like, broken” by emily in the previous season of the bachelorette, is from texas, is allergic to shirts, and has baby-fever. for my recaps, i’ll write as i watch to catch ALL the glorious nonsense as it occurs. i also probably won’t remember the names of anyone, so expect fun nicknames. currently taking recommendations for a nickname worthy of sean here.

via US magazine

the first episode of the show introduces us to the women the producers have carefully selected for sean’s wooing and our amusement. we are guaranteed one truly crazy person, one who will be the obvious next bachelorette, and probably two who make me question why on earth they felt the urge to put themselves on this show.

to begin the “meet the ladies” episode, we meet sean, are reminded of how awesome he is, of how heartbroken he was, and how incredibly naive he is for going back to this show with a spectacular fail rate. the show doesn’t really tell us that last bit, but it’s easy enough to figure out.

let’s discus this scene with ari (douche-canoe extraordinaire from the same bachelorette season as sean), who is apparently sean’s friend, and is coaching him on how to give roses to the ladies, how to break up with them (see below for a GREAT quote from this conversation), and how to kiss a girl (which…this scene is awkward).

chris harrison! i LOVE this man and want him in my life to narrate and advise. he seems genuinely invested in the lives of the nutcases on the show, and wears a suit well.

LADIES. make yourselves known. we get some brief intros to some of the girls before we meet them all, at which point i lose track of who is who.

desiree (des) – bridal something-or-other. i hate her instantly for how obsessed she is with getting married instead of finding a good guy. she does throw a bouquet and hit a chandelier, which seems like something i’d do. “you look so good to me” is the first thing she decides to say, then busts out pennies to make a wish in the fountain in front of the mansion. when they have small-talk, she licks her lips EVERY five minutes. and gets a rose.

tierra – she is 24. honey. too young. go away. she wants a guy because she wants love, to which my roommates offers “get a dog”. she has one that is very tiny and yappy. she is also CRAZY excited about sean being the bachelor. something strange happens when she meets him – she says her heart is open, and he walks off. she looks like she wants to vomit. sean, meanwhile, wants to “bend the rules” and give her a rose right away. chris says sure, because he knows that can only lead to entertainment when she turns out to be CRAZY.

robyn – she is currently dancing in public. and uses sticky-notes so she can learn spanish. she’s also VERY bendy. no real opinion yet. i think she does a backflip when she meets him, and falls over.

diana – owns a hair salon (which is really cool, in her words), has two kids (!!). not sure if sean likes women who already have kids or if he’s hell-bent on his first kid being biologically his.

sarah – advertising person from LA. self-described “average girl”, which to me says perhaps there’s some hidden crazy. SHE HAS ONE ARM, YOU GUYS. sorry. that startled me. didn’t see it coming. suspiciously down-to-earth.  doesn’t want to talk to sean because “that’s forcing it”.

ashley p. – another hair stylist! a theme. “i’ve actively searched for a boyfriend…”, and now has a cat. whoa nelly, 50 shades of grey reference. which she wants to reenact with sean. SEAN. RUN. she brings the book up when she meets him, busts out a tie from her cleavage and is like, teach me how to use this. she gets “obliterated” in the words of one girl, and starts dancing. right where sean is talking to some other girl.

lesley – from DC, does something with the environment, doesn’t like nerds or politicians (boo hiss, woman). a “modern southern belle”. she brings a football and they get awkward with a “game” where she basically stares at his butt.

kristy – a model. the crazy one, calling that now for the “girls will be jealous of me, bring it on” comment

AshLee – a professional organizer. “everything in my life is organized except my love life” (head/desk). oh she’s crying about her family (i stopped listening so someone tell me if that was a happy or sad thing that just happened).

jackie – she puts her mark on sean with lipstick…oh, a kiss. meh. lame. i was hoping she’d write on his face.

unknown lady with dark hair (selma?) – wipes the lipstick off. very breathy.

leslie – (another one. i cannot keep track. please stop casting girls with the same names.). she’s like ten feet tall and gorgeous.

daniella – she has crazy face. has a secret handshake for sean, which is just…awkward as all anything.

kelly – from nashville, wrote him a song, VERY tan. she is singing…out loud. save. me. she apparently works on a cruise ship in some capacity. sent home (and is super embarrassed).

katie – a yoga instructor. teaches him yoga as her “thing to remember”. has no shoes. i judge.

taryn  – forgets to tell sean her name, which seems like a normal nervous thing.

catherine – from seattle, tells him he is a hunk. again with the awkward.

lacey – brings a heart made of lace for him to remember her by. i like her sparkly dress. she also seems smart enough to recognize that people are playing this like a game.

paige – jumbotron operator!! love. she was on bachelor pad 3, so i am going to go ahead and say she’s in this for the fame. sent home as well.

amanda – another model. i dig her red lips. she tries having the awkward pause (“that comes at the beginning of the relationship”) with sean so they can get it out of the way, which will either work or backfire beautifully.

keriann – guilt-trips with the fact that she drove 2,775 miles for this chance (bad. idea.)

brooke – i got caught up in a conversation about the surprising (for this show) diversity happening in the selection of women, so unfortunately, have no idea what she said.

or the next one. a lady. who i didn’t notice until i realized she was walking away.

ashley h – too much eye makeup. sent home because she didn’t really make an impression…

lauren – the blonde girl from italian family whose father threatens sean via his little girl. oddly, she is sent home

lindsay – gets out of the limo in a wedding gown. NO. also, gets super drunk and hiccups. i feel you, sweetie. sometimes alcohol gets the better of us. but the general rule is to not get too drunk in a wedding gown.

when tierra walks into the house with the rose, the Bitch Faces come out to play (“it was literally like an animal attack with eyeballs,” says someone). after all the ladies are introduced (it is possible that i missed a few or mixed them up with each other, because i’m talking and watching tv and cannot multitask), a mysterious lady arrives. i predict it will be emily, as the teaser we see includes a breathy laugh that sounds like her. wait. no. kacie. she was “the good one” from another season…she wants a second chance and now she’ll be on this show? i am baffled. i remember liking her.

sean gives a speech about “being yourself”, and how he wants to find his wife, but he also mentions emily, so i feel like he is perhaps judging them all against her. a lot of the women seem to think that they deserve to win because they traveled a long distance.

he passes out roses during the cocktail party, and i lose track of everyone who gets one…it does lead to super aggressive behavior. one girl gets drunk and angry that she has to compete. IT’S A COMPETITION. DOOFUS. (this is taryn)

rose count: (12 before the ceremony) tierra, des, someone, selma, robyn, katie, someone, jackie, leslie, sarah, someone, someone

roses during the ceremony: amanda, lesley m, kacie, kristy, daniella, taryn, lindsay (WHAT)

i will try to figure out who got roses during the party – it went quickly and at this point they’re all Attractive Ladies in Pretty Dresses.

FAVORITE QUOTES

“I can’t use ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, because it’s obviously going to be them” – Sean, to Ari, re breaking up with the ladies

“honestly, i wish i was more sober right now” says lindsay, in her wedding dress, hiccupping

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