the bachelor: episode 2

welcome to the recap of episode dos of season 8039 of the bachelor!

we open with shirtlessness, because of course. sean rambles about how his wife was definitely in the room when he met the ladies. chris harrison makes an appearance, reminds the ladies about love (maybe), and hands out a date card.

the date card reads, “sarah, are you ready to fall in love today?” sarah (the girl with one arm, if you don’t remember) says she wants to cry. me freaking too, sweetie. we watch her pack her bags (if she doesn’t get a rose, she goes home immediately from the date). sean arrives (in a shirt) by helicopter. robyn waxes lusty and says she would like to eat him alive. someone else calls him studly for arriving in a helicopter. okay, sure.

helicopter dates, are, BY THE WAY, super unoriginal bachelor dates.

sarah says she wants to find someone who loves her no matter how many hands she has, and i laugh because i am a 12-year-old boy. sorry. i know that makes me a bad person, but maybe i am. sean is apparently not a bad person, and likes how open she is about herself.

apparently flying by helicopter is exhausting, as sean opens from commercial saying he wanted the ride to be over already. which. no. because they land on a 300-foot tall building (30 stories?) and he’s all “we have champagne! ON THE GROUND. LET’S FREE-FALL”. motherfricker. my reaction would be “no” and then to run back to the helicopter. poor sarah. she wants to prove herself now, which makes me sad, because, babe, if a guy is all “jump off a building for this date”, no. he’s psychotic. (they are in fact attached to something cable-like, so i guess it’s a loose interpretation of free-falling.) if you weren’t already alarmed, they are wearing helmet cameras so you, too, can feel the vomity sensation of PLUNGING OFF A PERFECTLY GOOD BUILDING. they sit and “ease into it” because sean notices that sarah is mentally stable enough to be nervous. sean proves his insanity by “woo”-ing all the way down. sarah screams like a normal human would. luckily, there is champagne, and i hope she drinks it all.

the date continues with sarah in a pretty dress and sean in an ill-fitting and oddly-colored shirt. (is it grey? purple? grurple?) they drink from goblets of wine and sarah awkwardly segues into a story about going ziplining with her father in Las Vegas. where, apparently, state law prohibits people with disabilities from ziplining. guys, is this true? it’s screwed up if so. pretty sure you can’t do that. but sarah’s dad turned it into a rage-inducing moment by telling her this is why she needs to find a guy to protect her. ARGH. this story sucks. sarah makes me sad as she is awesome, so far, and life has been an asshat to her.

back at the mansion, a date card arrives. lesley m says she wants a date card with a kind of “and i’ll kill for it” face. someone reads the card and: kristy, amanda, brooke, lesley m, daniella, catherine, robyn, katie, selma, diana, taryn, kacie, and tierra all get a group date. “let’s capture the romance”, proposes the card, which (according to previews) is a photo shoot, so…awkward and full of drama.

back at the helipad, sean and sarah discuss former relationships, and i zone out. now we’re at the part where sean gives her a rose…OR NOT. no, he totally does. because he has half a brain cell and recognizes that she is not insane and kind of a good sport about insane first dates. sean says he has butterflies (aw) and wants that first kiss – which he gets, and i cannot watch, because televised kissing is weird, you guys.

group date time, yo! a limo pulls up to cart the 13 ladies to a GIANT house where sean (“prince charming”) awaits in a very purple top. kacie, who knows, says that she knows drama is bubbling for the first group date. sean announces that it is a photo shoot – they’ll be cover models for harlequin novels (“the most trusted name in romance”. my roommate snaps his fingers in the kitchen and pronounces that he called that. which he did.). one of the model girls is shrieking over this. katie (yoga girl) finds that hysterical. tierra bitches that some of the girls are over-confident. she then judges kristy for using extensions. robyn points out that she does not appreciate tierra’s personality. someone wise says “tacky hoes are a dime a dozen”, so the snarking has begun already. sean is besotted and tells teirra he doesn’t think she has a catty side. this is because he’s an idiot about her.

photos begin. diana is sexy cowgirl and rips off his shirt. there are a few cowgirls. lesely m is one of them and everyone seems jealous when she removes his clothing. and then kisses him.  kristy (the model) is all “i can do this, this is my element”, and my eyes twitch from all the rolling. amanda is a vampire and everyone is freaked out. robyn appears to actually bite him. crazy tierra is dancing with sean for her photo shoot. she plants one on him. i cannot actually type any more of this date as it is hurting my brain.

kristy earns a 3-book cover deal with harlequin for having the hottest photo. tierra feigns not caring by saying she is there for sean. this is false, she is there because she is actually insane.

sean offers to get out of his clothes and have a pool party. no worries, there’s a lot of booze there. kacie worries at the camera about whether or not sean gets her. or something. lesley m and sean spend some time hanging out in a REALLY poorly lit room. he asks why she is on the show, and she acts like it’s sooooo embarrassing, but it’s for love! OMG. honey. that’s a standard answer. sean then spends seven years talking about wanting to kiss her to the camera, but lesley kept changing the subject (truth), and it is so uncomfortable. lesley apparently wants him to make the move? he’s off with the legs of other girls (lots of shots of hand on knees), so lesley panics, and is like I’M GOING FOR THIS, and “this” is to steal sean away for a kiss. someone blonde (amanda? later i realize amanda is brunette, so god only knows who the whiny one is) creepily watches and is full of rage for the camera.

on to kacie, who met sean before and then realized she had a crush on him, so we know it’s true love. she doesn’t appear to have pants on. or her dress is too short. sean explains that he always thought they were just friends, and is working to see in a romantic light. ack. kacie checks to see if he wants to go for the romance, and he says yes, which is good news for kacie. she wants that rose, y’all.

worst. line. ever. “i’m vegan but i love the beef”. oh. oh no. catherine. sweetie. that was terrible. selma appears in a blanket and yammers on about how amazing sean is, and how sweet he is. sean is worried that tierra feels put off by the other girls, and it seems that he’s about to give her a rose? we’ll see. she explains how challenging it is to pursue a man when 25 other women are pursuing him as well. he’s stupid for her, you guys. maybe no on the rose right now, but crazy tierra is totally staying for a while.

ANOTHER date card? jesus. how long is this episode? jackie hopes for a date because it will be her birthday. unfortunately, desiree gets the date (“love is priceless”).

i have whiplash from the back-and-forth. we are now back at the group date. yoga katie is expressing stress over how difficult this place is, and how fake everyone is, and she clearly is normal enough to know this is weird. she tells sean this during some one-on-one time, and says she feels that she needs to go home. to sean’s credit, he lets her make that decision, and walks her out. other girls try to think of nice things to say about her. i literally do not recognize some of them. hopefully sean does, as he must pass out the rose now. it’s going to kacie, who has wisely pointed out to us that she knows how to do this the second time around. which is amusing.

now for the one-on-one date with desiree! sean has set up a prank in which they’ll visit a fake art gallery, go see a one-of-a-kind piece of art, which will shatter and they’ll set it up so desiree will think it’s totally her fault. i would find that really not funny. a sense of humor is good, but pulling pranks…especially when, um, to my knowledge, it hasn’t been set up that he has a sense of pranky humor…i think it’s kind of mean-spirited. the art that will crash down is called “poulet un petit”, which i think is supposed to be chicken little in french? the fake curator talks about how this is the artist’s response to the chernobyl disaster. then it falls, and poor desiree is all nervous giggles and pleading innocence. sean steps in to rescue her and explains that it was a prank, and she reacts pretty well – laughing and complimenting him on the good joke. i still think he’s a jerk for this. no worries, he’s going to wine and dine her now. steak and red wine – not bad. they discuss their lives, blah blah blah. at some point, sean says it doesn’t feel like a first date – just natural and comfortable – and i promise you that des (forgot that we call her that) just hallucinated the wedding. apparently they have all the same hopes for marriage. yawn. she gets a rose. i suspect she’ll be around for a while.

cocktail party. this is the longest tv show ever. everyone is worried about roses. the booze is flowing. good. lindsay, who wore the wedding dress on the first episode, is coming across as (1) super embarrassed and (2) kind of spacey at the start of her conversation with sean. he asks her to talk about herself, so i tune out. sean tells us he’s overwhelmed by all the feelings. oh, honey. we go to him and diana walking off while everyone elise is all “EMOTIONS”. amanda, meanwhile, has a furious expression and is not talking and is also wearing an exploded highlighter. everyone seems concerned she may snap.

robyn talks about how the show is way more diverse now, and how this makes her nervous that sean may not really be attracted to african american women (like herself). she asks him flat-out where he stands on dating black women. he tells her that his conversation with the producers about his type was focused on personality, not physical appearance, and that he’s dated plenty of non-white ladies. robyn seems visibly relieved by this answer, and goes off in a better mood. when talking with selma, she teaches him how to say “you’re very beautiful” in arabic.

sean steals amanda (the cranky pants) away, and she lights up like a thousand-watt bulb. gracious. they talk about the group date, and the other girls are like “she’s playing games” and i want to shake them and remind them that they’re COMPETING ON TV FOR LOVE.

okay, rose ceremony. sean seems baffled by this whole “make a choice now” thing. sigh.

roses: kacie, sarah, and des already have their roses. during the ceremony, in order: ashley, lindsay, robyn, jackie, lesley m, selma, catherine, kristy, leslie h, tierra (and her forehead rage-vein), taryn, daniella, amanda

going home: brooke, diana

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: “tonight is literally a tornado of negativity waiting to happen”