bachelorette season 9: episode 1 {recap}

goodness, today’s posts are just all about guilty pleasures.

on season 17 of the bachelor, the effervescent and smiley desiree got booted – she was in the final four, and got sent home after her brother sort of threatened the bachelor? it was weird. she was devastated (of course) and cried buckets, and now she’s looking for love in the worst possible place: reality tv.

i watched this with a bunch of people, so i didn’t get a chance to write down any names. but i mean, her type makes this easy: tall, tanned, hairless-bodied men with serious hair gel problems going on up north. a few highlights from the lowlifes:

a gentleman who reminded us all of GOB bluth (i cannot find a decent photo or video, so please just put ‘final countdown’ on repeat while squirting light fluid at people). strangely, magician man got sent home. we think because he was short, not because desiree is insane and hates magic.

there was also a guy who said “my love tank hasn’t been depleted in a long time”, which is way more than i needed to know.

and the creeper who got out of the car and asked her to come to the fantasy suite with him, then seemed surprised that she wasn’t that kind of girl. what. after no less than three attempts by this man to get her alone in a dark room, she sent him home. it was good.

who else stood out? the shirtless man who jumped in the pool, then stood there, drenched and cold, as the other guys basically realized that his being in the pool without the girl meant that they could go talk to her. he got a pity-rose. i think he was the one described as a “drilling fluid something-or-other”, which sounds serious and very hard to make fun of*.

at this point, no one else stands out. previews for the upcoming season are  way better than the episode itself – someone either breaks his thumb in a fight or during dodgeball, someone has a girlfriend, everybody cries, desiree wants a fairytale.

i don’t know why i watch this show. it makes me feel better about myself, really. and there is something fluffy and delightful about it. everyone watching knows this: it’s ‘not scripted’ in the sense that the producers are definitely nudging this poor girl to keep guys who may not be the best choices, and that sometimes, someone walks into a room and asks some deeply inappropriate question because, off-camera, a producer suggested they do so. i mostly watch to make fun, but…there is some part of me that also wants to go talk to desiree and inform her that yes, dating is not fun, but she’s adorable, seems bright enough, and should have a bit more confidence in what she’s got. and that reality tv has an abysmal batting average, if you’re counting “successful marriages” as the hits.

so. join me as desiree and the men cry in various exotic locations and make out in hot tubs.

*hahaha no, we totally made dirty jokes.