bachelorette: episode 2 {not quite a recap}

i didn’t watch the bachelorette monday because we were traveling back from san diego, so i rewatched it last night to provide my witty wisdom into desiree (she goes by des, though) and her search for a fairytale (oh, honey. no). my thoughts are below in list form, as they came to me.

– i literally cannot tell any of these men apart. THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE. beefy, “tanned” (orange), spiked hair, and intimately familiar with the fine art of waxing off all body hair.

– applaud for the lady! whoo! oh wait. one guy on a date? awww. chris harrison, you are my spirit animal, i want you to explain life to me all the time. some of these guys seem really unclear on how the show works. DON’T TELL ME YOU’VE NEVER SEEN THIS SHOW. i know your secret.

– someone named brooks, who has a very greasy head of hair, gets date one. “i’m waiting for a sign”…these date cards are so clever. he refers to des as a “ball of mystery” right after doing a super-awkward punching-the-air move to show how pumped he is.

– i want des’ car. that thing is beautiful.

i like that she won't let the guys drive her car.

i like that she won’t let the guys drive her car.

– A DATE AT A BRIDAL SALON? WHAT. NO. i know it’s her dream to design wedding dresses, but for real, if my boyfriend had taken me to bridal shop on our first date, i would have booked it for the door. also, for a few minutes, my computer froze on this shot of brooks in a hideous green tux.

ladies.

ladies.

– they go to the hollywood sign in a wedding dress and (not green) tux. guys, this is creepy. also, i thought it was illegal to be up by the sign? apparently when it’s the anniversary of the sign, you can go there. i’m going to use that excuse to trespass a lot more. “it’s not illegal to be here, it’s the 12th anniversary of its existence”, “ma’am, you really have to not…” i cannot think of a cool place to trespass. i’m the worst.

– there is a lot of talk about wanting the crazy kind of love these two crazy kids want. yawn.

– i am amused by his gullibility. babe, no one would let her go down an actual closed road. of course this show shut down a road and a bridge for a dinner you won’t touch. this dinner includes a painful, painful conversation about brooks’ parents’ divorce – this is uncomfortable, and i wish des had not asked him to talk about this.

– back at the house, i’d like someone to make a supercut of the guys fist-pumping and yelling “whoo” EVERY TIME THE DOORBELL RINGS. they’re like my roommate’s dog, who howls at the doorbell.

– who is the musician? anyone know? and what could he be thinking as tehy make out in front of him, with NO ONE ELSE THERE?

– “i’ve never had to juggle 14 men in my life” – you know, i’d watch someone actually juggle 14 men. that sounds funny.

– oh, god. a rap video? DES. NO. except, wait, yes. do this. it is going to be painful to watch, that makes great tv. i have never laughed so much as when soulja boy walks out and one of the guys yells “superman that…” before stopping because, dude, the girl you’re trying to marry is right there.

– the rap is written from the POV of former bachelors? or something. one of the guys is wearing a tiny, tiny man-thong. ouch.

this happened during the filming of the music video.

this happened during the filming of the music video.

– the last part of the group date is a cocktail party. the shirtless dude (Zach W) from the premiere tries to make up for being shirtless and a “buffoon” (his words) by bringing her an antique journal. the journal is REALLY shiny. i don’t like it.

– this is my favorite thing. brandon, talking about how love is a butterfly, and you don’t want to squish it. i think he meant, don’t be a crazy person, but instead…it was just wildly strange and he made this gesture to show how you can open your hands too much and let the love butterfly go. i’m going to start talking a lot more about love butterflies in everyday conversation.

he's concentrating hard on how this metaphor plays out.

he’s concentrating hard on how this metaphor plays out.

– one of them has a kid, and des talks with him for a while. they are snuggled up under what looks like the most comfortable blanket EVER. producers, where do you get the blankets for this show? they look fabulous.

– the guy with a kid (TGWAK, i shall call him) is approached by mikey, from illinois, who is concerned that TGWAK was not being nice to the other men. dude. really? YOU’RE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. i am amused that i just said that with actual feeling.

– Love Butterfly talks about his childhood, which sounds kind of sad. his dad ran off, his mom was a drug addict, he switched schools a lot…man. i feel marginally bad for mocking the love butterfly. but he did say that out loud.

– TGWAK (or Ben, but TGWAK is more fun) got the first impression rose. cue whining about this. i feel that i am missing a major thing that they all hate about TGWAK…he seems bland but nice. like oatmeal.

– the second one-on-one date is with the guy who fought in Iraq – they go on a road trip to a beach, an orange grove (oh, california), and a little spa/resort for dinner. he didn’t know what brie was, so if he gets sent home, at least he learned something important. at dinner, he talks about a terrible scary car accident he was in a while back – which, yo, the pictures of his truck were insane. he gets the rose because he was able to open up about something scary and personal. go bryden! (briden? i don’t know if that’s even his name.)

– “just kiss me already” is a great movie line, but des, sweetie, we’re grown ladies. we do our own kissing. KISS HIM FIRST.

– des’ dress for the cocktail party before the final rose ceremony is not high enough on her body – it’s like a weird boob thing happening, and i want to hike the dress up for her. michael g pulls her aside to tell her about something important…diabetes. he has it. is it bad i was rooting for a secret baby? in the midst of this conversation, TGWAK walks over (he has a rose, this is apparently uncool) and “swoops” des. this is a term meaning “lady-stealing”.

– TGWAK wants to play hide-and-seek with des…this is strange, right? he is kind of smarmy, so i get why the others dislike him.  they confront him and he’s all “i don’t knowwwww” and “i’m not selfish, it’s for me and des and our relationship”, and i’m sitting here scolding my computer: honey, it’s NOT a relationship yet. two guys pull him aside to ask him to stop being a tool, and he…seems unimpressed. someone says his not getting it is dangerous, so i’m excited for when something explodes, since that’s clearly the concern. this all reads as the producers realizing there is no drama, and working overtime to cause it.

– brian the financial advisor says he doesn’t want to leave anything on the table. i think he means he wants to put it all on the table. his last relationship ended 2 months ago, “but really ended 6 months ago”, so…that was a long one, and maybe worrisome. also, the applications had to be in well before 2 months ago, so that is skeezy, though des doesn’t seem to do the same math i did.

– rose ceremony! woo. i am not even going to pretend i know who all the guys are at this point. she says names. they take roses. Love Butterfly does get a rose, as does Brian the Financial Advisor.

okay, that became more of a recap than i expected. i’m going to have to come up with a drinking game for this season.

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