the bachelorette: episode 3 {recap with witty commentary}

as always, my thoughts as i watch monday’s episode. this time, i’m watching it in real-time AND typing my brilliant reactions. also, watching it with my roommates and a good friend, so anything they say that makes me guffaw goes here, too.

“shut up, love is on television” – and so we begin, with these wise words from roommate B.

Chris Harrison is in a snazzy, snazzy shirt – plaid with decorative cuffs. they may be sequined. i love him.

group date! “love is a battlefield” is the date card, and i am excited to see someone get injured.

i want Des’ brightly colored shoes. they’re glorious. something sporty this way comes, i think. dodgeball! omg i hope this date is just the dodgeball team beaning The Men (that’s what she calls her suitors) with dodgeballs.

CHRIS! “he shows up, it’s usually not the best thing” – yes, Person Who Said That. okay, now the guys will battle for True Love. in a public place…”we’re taking to the streets!”, “we’re going to the zoo!” – those are two options put forth by The Men.

“this isn’t my grandfather’s kind of dodgeball” – honey…is that a real statement?

a big deal is made over “big grown men in tiny little shorts”. the shorts are not too tiny. they could have been tinier.

okay, i am super bored by the competition part of this. red team loses the first game. Des tells them “whatever you’re doing, it’s not working”, which is deliciously honest. red team WINS the second game.

at the start of the third game, someone goes down in pain. Brooks! oh no! Brooks and his beautiful hair. he…did something to his finger. he’s off to get it reset. later, we see him at the ER and y’all, did he break his finger? or something worse? because there is a lot of blood and needles…what is going on????

blue team wins. we made a lot of balls jokes during this portion of the date, don’t worry. and because Des is weak, she takes all of the guys to the after-party. DES, BE COLD. BE RUTHLESS. ONLY LOVE THE WINNERS. at the after-party, Brad wants to tell Des things about his past (B: “I killed a guy”), and i’m rooting for a secret baby. i literally have never seen this guy before, and K and i think he may have been snuck in by a producer while no one was looking. OMG A SECRET KID. I CALLED THAT.

date card at the house while the dodgeballers party with Des. Kasey gets the one-on-one, which says “love defies gravity”.

Des has a great protective dress – i think it is spiked. nice move. some dude (Chris) takes her to the root, and she asks how he found it. IT’S AT THE TOP OF ALL BUILDINGS, YOU NINNY. Brooks is back – for a moment i think he’s a lady in a red dress as he gets out of the limo. everyone is pissed because now he’ll get the rose. we are all alarmed that he may be covered in hospital germs still. Chris gets the rose (roof dude), and i think Brooks is surprised that getting wounded does not win him a rose. Chris and Des get a private concert from Kate Earl, who is actually awesome. Chris and Des basically dance attached at the mouth, and i am concerned they’ll pass out from lack of oxygen.

at the house, Des is writing in her journal, and her phone rings. it’s Chris Harrison, which cannot be good news. he has “bizarre news” about one of the The Men. OH MAN THIS IS AWESOME. Des and Chris basically conspire to expose this dude – we know from previews that it’s a secret girlfriend. the guys are all “yay” when Des walks in, but obviously ish is about to go down. poor Kasey. she asks Brian to come with her – i think this is the dude from last week who i thought was sketchy. maybe not. they all look alike, really. Des has a type – large jaws, big shoulders, no body hair. it is the same guy – she references “two months”, and so my suspicions are confirmed because i’m always right. while Chris Harrison brings The Girlfriend into the house (Stephanie), Brian yammers about the past being the past. “aw, jeez” he says, as the girls hug, and we go to commercial. DRAMA. The Men all go to spy on this, because this is juicy. Brian gets chewed out by Stephanie, which is a good thing to watch. ack, emotions. Des sits down beside her to provide support. Chris Harrison is, i think, concerned that Stephanie may kill Brian. Chris Harrison sends Brian packing – BAM. Stephanie tries to milk her time on tv, which…she needs to stop now. this is not your show.

as we watch him pack his things, K notes “they’re animals”, because the house is a MESS.

i think she is contractually obligated to say “here for the right reasons” every five minutes. good grief.

Love Butterfly (Brandon) is crying because he hates when men are mean to single moms. it brings up a lot of sad memories and y’all…this episode. too many real emotions.

Kasey is on his one-on-one date now. they’re going to dance on the side of a building, which Kasey declares “hot” (before he knows that’s the date, i think). this is called…vandelooping? i cannot tell what the word is. this looks like a recipe for failure.

“this is a thing no one else will share” says Kasey. roommate S points out that they are with two other people.

Des feels emotions because of the Brian Incident. poor Kasey. now it’s crazy windy, another thing that baffles Des. y’all. sigh. they then jump into the pool. this is cold. they are not bright. they make out under towels in the pool. GO. INSIDE. what on earth. this is a terrible date. Kasey gets the good sport/at least you don’t have a girlfriend rose.

during the commercial, we come up with a new reality show: Let’s Make Friends. it’s the opposite of the “i’m not here to make friends” and we think we’re hysterical. (note: i think we were inspired by Ben saying, in a preview, that the show is called The Bachelorette, not Let’s Make Friends. so we’re not too original)

group date two: i missed the date card. oh well. they get into a stagecoach. Des awaits on a balcony in a “dress from the 1900s…” according to a guy with no sense of era. she throws an “attacker” off the balcony, and then we learn that the commercial tie-in is The Lone Ranger (sigh). they’re doing stunt stuff? or…i don’t know. it’s how they’ll win her love. it’s also a great way to play an entire trailer for this terrible movie while saying it’s “to show you what you’ll learn how to do”. they lasso, quick-draw, and learn to fight for justice. good grief. this really, really stupid. Juan Pablo wins because he is basically sex on toast. the guys seem really baffled by how this man speaks English AND Spanish. to no one’s surprise, they get to see The Lone Ranger before anyone else. i am dying from how much i hate this date.

now there’s a post-stunt-commerical-afterparty by a bonfire. with a veggie plate. Des and Bryden sit in a tree and have a conversation about how she’s hot for him in a cowboy outfit. the fluid engineer dude, tells her he tried to kiss her earlier, and she says “oh, yeah, that, i was confused”, which is NOT promising. James talks a lot with Des about stuff, i am distracted by how much i want that blanket they’re snuggling below. Des wants James to be more confident in being there (“Big strong man with a kind heart”), which gets him the Pity Rose.

Chris Harrison is back at the house. he announces a change of plans – the pre-ceremony cocktail party has been cancelled! DRINK. everyone goes to the pool for a pool party instead (“so many nipples”)…except Ben, who creeps at the door and attacks Des for a car ride for alone time. i think he’s secretly creepy as hell. he tells her he doesn’t want to be in the ‘dad zone’ – WHAT. Des says he’s a “humble, sweet man”…no. the guys are full of jealousy. now we’re all in the pool. SPLASHING IS FUN. that is a lot of people in a hot tub. ew. The Men are, again, butthurt that Ben wants more alone time with Des. sheesh. Mikey takes Ben aside AGAIN (he does this every episode, it seems) to confront him, which doesn’t work, because Ben is a Lying Liar Who Lies a Lot. Love Butterfly takes Des aside to talk about Emotions and How He Has a Lot of Them. he tells her he is falling in love (nope) already.

rose ceremony. James, Kasey, and Chris all have roses, so they’re safe. i disagree with Des’ dress – the gigundo amount of neck/sternum gems…no. first rose goes to…Bryden. tree kissing for the win, my friends. next is Juan Pablo (he got the Lone Ranger badge AND a rose now). then…Zak W (he looks older than he is), Brooks (broken finger, possibly doped up on morphine), Drew (who is this?), Zak A (other Zak!), Brad (no tie. a rebel.), Michael G (he looks surprised by life. his eyebrows are constantly raised), Mikey (the one who confronts Ben a lot), and the final rose goes to…WHO WILL IT BE OH MAN…Ben!!!! WHAT OH NOES.

going home, in that case: Brandon (Love Butterfly) and Dan (again, not sure who he is). Brandon opts for stunned painful rage in his talking head. Des tells him “you’re an incredible person, just not for me”. oh, Love Butterfly, i will miss you.

THEN. DES WALKS OUT. to talk to Brandon. THIS IS MY EVERYTHING. i cannot deal. Des is upset. he is upset. she is trying to explain that she doesn’t feel the chemistry, and clearly feels bad that he doesn’t get it. “It sucks because i’m in love with Des” NO YOU ARE NOT (shouts my entire couch). yeesh. “once again, someone left me” LOL i’m sorry. i know he has stuff. but this is dramatic and amazing.