miss usa {recap} {ridiculous}

the tagline for the miss usa pageant is “confidently beautiful”, and based on the glamour shots of the contestants, it’s more like “beautiful, but awkwardly posed”. let’s take a quick peek at my favorite photos (there are three) before we change the channel and i start snarking in real-time.

erin brady here was clearly told to smolder or glower. she is stunning, and looks miserable

erin brady here was clearly told to smolder or glower. she is stunning, and looks miserable

jessica frith, in the classic "tilt your head and hold it" pose.

jessica frith, in the classic “tilt your head and hold it” pose.

jessica billings, only contestant told to show off her manicure?

jessica billings, only contestant told to show off her manicure?

OKAY. now that we all have some great pose ideas for the next time we wear too much makeup and want to be glamorous, let’s check out the show!

agressive bass in the song they’re playing as the girls walk onstage. some of them didn’t practice in their heels, and i look forward to falls. many of them clearly are bopping their heads a bit, and i am distinctly worried that someone will lose an eye to a vigorous earring bounce.

colorado is wearing a bright green mullet dress. as is connecticut. i don’t even know. nevada has a long dress on and looks MAD about it. new hampshire! holy pants. she’s adorable and i love her short hair. she also is rocking her long dress with pride. new mexico is barely wearing a dress. i wonder who chooses their dresses for the introduction. pennsylvania (of the mani-pose) is wearing a crop top. A CROP TOP.

have they even introduced the hosts? or the musical guests? guys, all i saw was giuliana from e! and one of the jonas brethren in a whirlwind of Famous People Backstage. oh, maybe because they are the hosts. this is introduced later. also, it’s nick jonas. he is short next to Lady Giuliana, whose dress is of the oh-so-flattering “here is my groin” peplum-and-pleats style. who is DJ pauly d? can someone young tell me that? WHAT. ROOMMATE TELLS ME HE IS OF THE JERSEY SHORE SHOW. WHAT.

“we have got a great show for dads…and the whole family!” says Lady Giuliana. EW. inappro.

top 15: texas, ohio (you guys, ohio’s toughest thing about this contest: giving up pasta. i am sad. pasta is great.), louisiana, south carolina (super feathery skirt, but i think she’s adorable), pennsylvania, alabama, massachusetts (she started college at 15 and is wearing a mermaid-inspired dress), california, north carolina, west virginia (WOO. M and I like her), maryland, illinois, nevada (how did this girl pack her life into two bags? that is impossible), connecticut, and utah

i definitely interpreted “passions: creating music, beach volleyball” as “miss utah created beach volleyball”

the girl who is the social media expert (i think) just used the word “hype” to describe the crowd. i think she meant shrill.

Lady Giuliana explains that this is a judged competit-and i can’t think straight because Bob Harper, whom i adore, is a judge. sorry. there are judges. the slate is clean. someone from duck dynasty (a show that boggles my mind), betsy johnson, mo rocca….so many judges. i like them all.

the “we’re in vegas” segment literally begins with a shot of the outside of what is CLEARLY a strip club. poor choice. the contestants talk about their favorite things in vegas, which is an excuse for the producers to get them to talk about how much they love to eat. then the current Miss USA comes out (according to M, Nana – said like ‘na na’, not like how i say my grandma’s nickname – took over when the original Miss USA won Miss Universe) and talks about her family’s work in healthcare. her dad looks unimpressed in the audience. he was the first african-american medical student at duke (which is pretty bad-ass).

“nice nipple-darts” is a thing i said out loud. the Brethren Jonas sing about pom-poms? this is a strange song choice fort he “we are dancing in bikinis” portion of the pageant. then the contestants walk in tiny bikinis while one of the hosts talks about how much these women will save the world by being in small amounts of clothing. you see, wearing a bikini leaves more fabric for people who need warm clothing. kidding. the host talks about achievements, goals, charity work, and education while the contestants walk in five-inch heels and as little bikini as possible. seriously, the bottoms of these are dinky. and it takes away from all their awesomeness when you introduce them as “this hottie”.  makes it hard to take people who argue that this is about  scholarship and empowering woman when the focus is so clearly on hotness. i do enjoy seeing the creative ways one can wear a sarong. maryland goes for this strange over the shoulder look (which leaves her entire torso uncovered), but a lot of them go for the “here is my crotch” look.

there are a lot of segments on the glamourous life of contestants that are really ads. ugh.

miss oregon wins miss congeniality, so now we all know she’s an undercover FBI agent. BRING ME BENJAMIN BRATT. miss utah wins miss photogenic. BORING.

top ten: connecticut, south carolina (who has an adorable cheering section of mini-miss-SCs), ohio, texas (isn’t texas always in top ten?), illinois, nevada, louisiana (i appreciate the crafting skills of her cheering section – they made glitzy signs for each letter of the state), utah, alabama, north carolina. WHY IS WEST VIRGINIA OUT, WE ARE DISAPPOINTED IN THIS PAGEANT OF LIES.

the twitter tie-in is….boring me. the contestants talk about why they should be twitter-voted for. do twitter-votes count? north carolina’s dad has cancer and this may or may not bring tears to my eyes.

WOW. Lady G’s new dress is glitter and feathers. Jonas is polka-dotty. they explain the evening gowns. this is presented as “they’re judged on how they deal with this challenge”. WHAT CHALLENGE? yo. there are some sheer gowns up there. and some awkward dancing.

gown opining

CT: shiny shiny bodice

SC: whoa. just like, they poured metal over her. or diamonds. whatever. it’s pretty f*ing hot.

OH: BANANA YELLOW DRESS. and lots of leg windows.

TX: red. rhinestones. weird on the boobs.

IL: deep v. eh. pretty color but it’s a slightly sheer fabric and NOT my thing at all. and the back is super low. not okay when you add in the boobness.

NV: eh. bored. black, shiny, sweetheart neckline.

LA: uh, well, this is…a dress. white. “it shows off her neckline” is how the host explains it. the metallic accents are basically a push-up bra

UT: CLEAVAGE, so much of it. and sheer from the thigh down. oh, lord. nope.

AL: pretty. black, strapless, and lots of fluff at the bottom?

NC: i was distracted and then looked up and basically saw her crotch when she spun around. it’s like a bedazzled unitard with leg curtains.

top five: utah, alabama (she is struggling with walking – either limping or her dress is impossible), illinois, south carolina!!!, and….connecticut

the not-top five…um, get called back? WHAT IS HAPPENING? oh, the twitter-votes are going to give us a sixth person! WHAT IS GOING ONNNNNN. texas! texas is our sixth top five! I’M SO CONFUSED.

okay. onto the special questions. i miss the first one because, as the worst girlfriend ever, i tell my boyfriend i cannot talk on the phone because of miss usa. these questions are silly. and maybe aimed at getting to know them more? meh. nothing i am interested in.

while they show the “what we did in vegas” segment, i tune out completely. general guess on this: “look, they’re eating” and “this is a city you should visit”. yawn.

onto the final question. jonas earns points for chuckling at the stupid joke written for him (‘we replaced the fish in this bowl with cards’)

UT: a question from Nene Leakes – a question about women earning less than men. Miss Utah fumbles. hard. she tries to connect it to education, then stalls, says something about jobs, then “create education better”.

AL: Wendie Malick asks about the government tracking data. Miss Alabama is okay with people tracking her phone messages because it will keep her safe when she goes to the movies.

IL: BOB HARPER asks her a question about binge drinking and lowering the drinking age. she points out that you will drink irresponsibly at any age if you’re so inclined, and that we should focus on responsibility and safety.

SC: Christina Milian asks about charging people with treason for reading classified documents without permission. SC says they shouldn’t be charged, and that we should be able to see the documents in order to see why laws were made the way they were

CT: Mo Rocca asks about DNA testing after…something. i missed it because M and i were texting about SC. but CT is okay with DNA testing.

TX: Betsey Johnson asks Texas about the ban of bikinis in a beauty pageant, and if banning them for religious reasons is okay. Texas talks about voting for things? and that she feels comfy in a bikini. and i think she’s okay with banning if it’s voted on?

“they’ve faced the toughest test of all -” “the dragon!” (this is how the show would go if my roommate hosted)

dj pauly d. his laptop is bedazzled in the colors of the italian flag. the ladies walk while he spins. they also clearly were encouraged to stop and dance at his table. uncomfortable.

after about forty minutes of commercials, i think they’re going to tell us who won. they tell us about her adventures to come. the USO! fighting cancer! travels! we get to see what Miss USA 2012 was up to – she worked with her family’s foundation, went to a club, and advocated everywhere. she is also lovely. that is a theme. everyone is pretty.

donald trump (blah) comes on stage. he seems to threaten the jobro. miss universe is with him. she announces that the miss universe pageant will be held in Moscow. in november. obviously i will watch. trump (blah) brings out Miss USA 2012. i have hair envy. also her dress is fabulous and red.

the envelope! it is on the stage. in the jonas hand. and the giuliana hand. JUST ANNOUNCE IT ALREADY.

fifth runner-up: South Carolina (booo. she is so delightful and should have won)


third runner-up: Utah. there we go. man, they shuffle these girls off-stage quickly.

second runner-up: Illinois

now alabama and connecticut hold hands and look anxious.

this is so tense

not really

at least not for me

Miss USA 2013 is Connecticut! Woo! I liked her! that’s cool! she promptly shrieks and i think is crying. BREATHE. go to the top of the post and look at the scowling lady, that’s our winner. and i am OUT.

FAVORITE FACTS (brought to you by M and myself)

OMG. miss maine's childhood photo on her bio is her holding a bear.

OMG. miss maine’s childhood photo on her bio is her holding a bear.

– Miss West Virginia went to Brown

– Miss Alaska wants to be Secretary of State one day

– Miss Delaware is one of triplets. awesome.