the bachelorette: episode 4 {recap}

as always, watching this with some of my favorite people, and a good amount of wine.

for the purposes of this episode, every time they say “fairy tale” or “right reasons”, i’m taking a drink.

chris harrison starts us off in another GREAT shirt. he preps them for the week – reminding them of the rose rules. guys. if you haven’t got that down yet, go home. apparently…they’re leaving LA! for a journy (to love) around the world, starting in Atlantic City. it appears they’re taking a limo there (probably not), which makes me smile.

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Des is told ‘good luck’ by a bunch of AC police officers. ohhhhkay. that was odd. there are 13 men left. they make ridiculous faces as they board the plane. let’s be glad i was never on a flight with Des’ Men. one of the guys calls AC “Las Vegas on the ocean”.

swanky hotel suite! i dig the orange and blue decor (go ‘hoos!!)

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someone finds a date card. Brad – let our love shine through. Brad looks like Ken come to life. they go for a walk on the boardwalk, and as one of the men left behind says Brad can’t find the fun in life, Brad suggests that he and Des go on a death trap of a ride – like, a slingshot. with their bodies. no. then they walk around the candy stores and go see where salt water taffy and chocolate are made. adorable and sugar-high-inducing. this is a kind of adorable date. OMG let’s go creepy: the guys stand in the hotel and watch them on the carousel. y’all…this is stalker behavior. the date continues after the commercial to discuss what they’re each looking for. Brad (who has a son, which i forgot) talks about how he wants a woman who can be a great mother. Des points out that he has great qualities but she’s not sure if they add up to something she is attracted to. dinner seems awkward, and Des is BORED. they go to the top of the building they’re eating in, and i wonder if he will be asked to parachute off on his way home. oh no. oh no. you guys. PLAY THE JAWS THEME. Des starts the “i don’t know…” sentence, which means…farewell forever, Brad. awkward choice of a place – you have to go all the freaking way back down the stairs now.

Brad is now sad. this is an article about domestic violence and Brad. worth a read.

while they’re on their date, a date card arrives at the house – a group date! i am bad and fail to type up who goes on this date. i think this is the one where everyone gets almost nekkid.

Brooks: “she’s like a mystical creature. like a unicorn.” YES. Des = unicorn.

this is the Bachelorette’s very own Mr. America pageant – Brooks looks pained, Michael G says he always wanted to be Mr. America when he was a kid (what?). the reigning Miss America is there to help, as is some pageant coach. this episode is basically because abc airs the Miss America pageant, right? right.

the gentlemen pick out their talent props – Juan Pablo throws a mean baton and winks SO sexily for the camera.

i love you.

i love you.

“men in heels, men in skates, men with hula hoops…” (Des sums it all up for us). i have a bad feeling about Brooks, who says he’ll just wing it. Miss America preps the men by asking them final question type questions – super powers, what they want to pass on to their kids…etc. THEN the pageant coach informs them they cannot just do talent and questions – swimsuits have been picked out for them! this is when we hear the words “a mankini, a banana hammock” uttered. Chris Harrison tells them that they’ll be pageanting in front of a live audience.

alright! the pageant! is! on! they got a lot of people to come watch this thing…i would have happily helped out. just saying. we start with interviews. Kasey is asked if he is a giver or a taker in a relationship – he says he’s a giver, a romantic guy, and then he says he likes to touch, and i reach for my wine. Brooks (asked what animal he would be) answers “a lion, no hesitation”, which cracks me up. Mikey gives a rambling response about how men “cry on the inside” when asked what women don’t know about men. the guys find this hysterical.

talent! Kasey…tells a story? is this supposed to be a joke? OH. he’s tap-dancing. ummm. tap-stomping. then. then. brooks sings. OMG. this is why we make plans, honey. someone (Brian? is there a Brian?)…pelvic-thrusts at the mayor of Atlatnic City. whut.

swimsuits. lots of shrieking. and awkward. the judges deliberate over who should win. this is so strange, y’all. i say that as someone who watched Miss USA last night. the winner is…Kasey. he fake-cries, which is adorable. then he gets a bouquet. and a crown.

now for the post-pageant cocktail party. one of the guys (Chris) reads a poem to Des – in the pool. huh.

to no one’s surprise, the conversation the guys are all having is “i hate Ben”. Ben, who points out he’s not here to make friends, and so on. yawn. NEW DRAMA, PLEASE. then they all whine at him for having a conversation with Des near where they’re all sitting. what? this is the stupidest non-drama.

James. home alone. TAKES A BUBBLE BATH and y’all. i am in love. he also drinks some wine. relaxation!! his date card says: can our love weather the storm? i really love that he’s in bed in a robe drinking a bottle of wine.

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yes, he is eating chocolate covered strawberries

Zak W…is singing to Des. awkwarddddd. “the W stands for wuv”, says roommate B. basically. i think Des is trying not to laugh? her facial expression is uncomfortable. now we’re onto the rose (the producers must realize that this date is boring and need to edit to a shorter cut). Zak Wuv gets the rose. it worked. ack.

James and Des go on a date – a helicopter ride to look at the damage done by Hurricane Sandy to New Jersey. this is NOT romantic. they meet a couple who were there when the storm hit (ack). you guys, this date is SO DEPRESSING. then Des gives the couple their date night. (also, i had to take an important phone call during this date, so…i don’t actually think i missed much). um. and then we go on the old people’s date. NOPE. this makes me uncomfortable because…why are we following them? at the end of their date, Manny and Jan get a letter that tells them how awesome they are, and includes a photo album of all their pictures and memories that (i guess) got water damaged in the hurricane. i don’t mean to be demeaning, as this is sweet, but wouldn’t it be more powerful if the letter was all “and since you lost EVERYTHING, i’m taking the money we’d spend on a ludicrous episode of my show and donating it towards repairing your home”???

Des and James are on a cheap date now, talking about how great they feel because they sent Manny and Jan on their date. oh, NOW it gets good. James tells Des he was in a relationship for five years, and “unfortunately” he cheated on her (it sounds like it was a high school sweetheart thing, and he strayed in college). Des quite honestly is like, um, that was bad, and cheating is the worst. he does say “right reasons”, but i’m out of wine and so take a swig of water. WOO.

seriously. Manny and Jan’s date is the longest thing ever. Des and James go back. oh, i get it. they’re here to dispense wisdom about marriage. it isn’t always smooth! you make a good match! blah! blah! blah! “those two are the epitome of weathering a storm” says James – partially about the hurricane, but also about their 38 years of marriage. and then someone sings for them. this is weird. the producers clearly found this couple, got good words of wisdom from them, and then were like “oh, yeah, hurricane tie-in”, and the date was NEVER for Des and James, it was always for Manny and Jan – which is fine. but don’t make it look like something it isn’t. sigh. sorry. maybe i am totally wrong. i just feel jaded by this show right now.

i need more wine.

James says he can feel his love growing. we make inappropriate jokes. also, Manny and Jan are watching while Des and James dance. creepy. creeeeepy.

on twitter, a friend says that she feels Des is boring. i counter that she may just be really normal and not fame-hungry – which some of the guys clearly are – and that normal just comes across as boring on TV. maybe her normalcy will work in her favor in terms of actually finding a guy she meshes with, and a relationship that lasts.

final rose ceremony cocktail party. Bryden is feeling uncertain – “my feelings have been falling behind of where i think they should be” – which…not a good sign. i actually like him, too. Des is drinking a barrel of wine, and i LOVE this. she invites Michael to come talk with her (he’s a federal prosecutor). he begins sweating nervously and pulls out a list of the reasons he likes her. wait no. he makes her an acrostic – it’s a stack of paper, and he writes one letter for each letter of her name with a matching reason. it spells Des G (G is his last initial). d’aw? maybe? whoa. episode four and his first kiss with her. slow moving for this show. also, he has a splint on his thumb – no idea why. Pool Poet (Chris? i really have no idea) sits and talks with Des. about…life. and stuff. yawn. WHOA. they hold hands and say “friends forever”, and he panics about the friend zone, and then they kiss, and i have a bad feeling about Chris’ time on this show.

Bryden! sharing! oh god. i feel ill. he tells her he loved their first date…but now he’s neglected (basically). the guys talk about this -will he send himself home? dun dun dunnnnnn. Des says she sees the potential, it’s tough, don’t feel rushed…blah, blah, blah. whoa, and now it’s time for the rose ceremony! that was zippy.

Zak W and James have roses already. one person will be sent home. K and i panic that Juan Pablo got no screen time and may go home.

getting a rose: Chris, Brooks, Juan Pablo (p.s. i totally whispered his name before she said it, so i’m basically a witch), Drew, Michael, Ben, Kasey, Bryden (parenthetical excitement? oh. no. he accepts the rose), aaaaand Mikey (because, perhaps like the viewers, Des does not know who the random other guy is)

going home: Zach (another one!)

my money is on: Juan Pablo! or Brooks! or…I don’t know. honestly, I want Juan Pablo to lose and be the next bachelor so i can listen to him talk. i love that man.