bachelorette: episode 5 {recap/ridiculous}

okay, if the teaser for the show they play before the episode is stuff that will happen tonight, gird your loins, because EVERYONE IS GOING TO CRY.

alright! we have left atlantic city for munich, germany! my friend K grew up there and says she is not so sure that the germans would get the whole bachelorette thing. the german board of tourism is probably quite tickled by all the beautiful shots of german things. maybe less tickled by the awkward efforts at speaking german.

CHRIS HARRISON. where is your snazzy shirt? he looks snuggly. which i realize sounds mildly creepy. but i’d cuddle Chris Harrison in the outfit he wears. he tells them about the two-on-one date (that sounds dirty), in which two guys go…but only one returns. this is ominous. i’d love this show if Des was like “um, you get the rose, and then we hunt this other loser together”.

lord. one of the guys tries to say he’ll kiss her in germany and yet says “i will happily in germany kiss you”. and the date cards! are in german! first international date goes to Chris. they explore the city, and Chris points out that everyone will know that they’re tourists because of the cameras. guys. most tourists aren’t being filmed.

Bryden is full of woe about Des. you should hear the Jaws theme song, y’all. i think this is his last episode. i think he also is all butthurt that he doesn’t get all the time with her. dude. this is how the show works. whoa. he tells one of the other guys that he plans to leave. ummm. is he going to crash her date? what a manipulative move!!

on the date, Des and Chris are literally skipping about. they’re adorable, and this date is cute, and i HATE Bryden for what he is about to do. i do appreciate the gargoyle shots as he approaches, it adds a surreal and terrifying energy. he finds them, frolicking in a square, and he lurks in the crowd, and then it’s an ad, and y’all, i’ve never been more irritated by a commercial. i want to see this drama unfold.

Bryden walks up. he gets Chris’ attention. there is an awkward almost hug before Chris realizes something is awry. Bryden walks off with Des. the germans are confused. so is Chris. i may vomit. “you’re a fantastic person…” is NOT a good start to this conversation. he tells her he wants to go home because he doesn’t think he can get to know her 100%. you guys, part of being human is that you cannot literally know someone 100% – we cannot share brains and emotions and ways of interpreting emotions and events. Bryden, you’re the worst.

poor Des. i want to go give her a big hug and then maybe eat some ice cream and cry while watching Sex and the City. Chris gives her a big hug and is clearly in Make Sure She is Okay Mode, and I sort of love him? good, they’re going to a brewhouse. get that girl a beer. i also feel for her because it is no fun to cry in front of people, much less people you like. Chris tells her he’s here till the end, which…dude, so many points for that. he said the thing she needed to hear, and y’all, seriously, i need him to win. then they get to put on pretty clothes and sit in a ballroom and dine. DUDES MY MONEY IS ALL ON CHRIS. she asks him what he is looking for (he is 27, FYI), and he says he is looking for a relationship, to start a family and build a life. Des talks about feeling unappreciated and that her “passions were depleted” (!) in a previous relationship. i would also like to say, from experience, that maybe deep conversations about relationships after a break-up and after a lot of alcohol…not the greatest idea. Chris reads a poem he wrote for her – she is eating this up. obviously he gets the rose. and then there is a concert. some dude on a piano. matt white? sure.okay, now Chris has made me anxious by being enthused about his love of Des.

back at the house! date card! something about mountains. Juan Pablo, James, Zak, Brooks, Drew, Mikey, and Kasey. so Ben and Michael go on the two-on-one date.

group date! on a mountain! the highest peak in all of germany! a tiny man yodels and they all go over and we get to witness juan-pablo try to say the word “yodel”. then they snow tube down a death mountain, at which point Drew basically wipes out and smacks into the recently-wiped-out Des. also, love is a mountain. so you know. they walk into a hotel built out of snow and ice – it is lovely, but as someone who hates the cold, meh. Brooks gets some alone time with Des. i don’t know what they talk about. they make out, though. Mikey (blah, he whines a lot) gets his one-on-one time and suggests “doing something fun”, which, to him, is making their imaginary family of five (“or ten, whatever”) out of snowmen. errr. Zak sneaks up with two drinks and yodel-interrupts. lord. this show. i cannot. Zak tells her that for a while, he planned on becoming a priest, but came to Europe after college, and realized his destiny lay in being the guy who showed up shirtless on the first day of a dating show. James and Des spend time together (the guys all hate him now). Brooks gets full of Let’s Stop This Now, and goes to interrupt (apparently James is a different guy around the guys than he is around Des). wait. no. Brooks basically lurks in a window and spies for a bit. Juan Pablo gets no screen time and i worry. rose goes to Brooks.

the date card shows up for Michael and Ben. something about heating things up. the guys get ready for this date – Ben says douchey things about it being a date with Des and Michael just happens to be there. i suspect that Ben will survive the date because Michael is so focused on how much he doesn’t like Ben. the three of them sit by a lake and the tension gets awkward immediately. sheesh. Des recommends doing a polar bear plunge (ha, no). this is a joke because Des has a brain. there is a “hot tug”, a hot tub that goes on the lake.  there is awkward conversation about what they look for in relationships. Michael is really fixated on how Ben never talks about his son – um, i’m not sure that he should, honestly. he calls him an absentee father (to the camera, not to Ben). oh wait, Michael then talks about how he had a father who was never around and how important it is for a dad to be present. you guys. i can’t handle this. poor Des, stuck in the middle of a lake in a hot tug with two guys who loathe each other.

at the house, Drew is getting ready to tell the guys about a conversation between James and Mikey that he overheard (along with others, apparently). it sounds like the two of them are up to no good – they plan to go back to Chicago, rule the city, and get more girls. and that one of them wants to be the new bachelor. oh boy. Drew plans to tell Des this at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony. yeesh.

okay, two-on-one dinner. awkward. Michael decides to confront Ben over dinner about how he doesn’t get along with anyone. Des looks…uncomfortable. Ben points out that he is there for Des, not friends. OMG. Des takes a nervous swig of wine. y’all, two guys may go home from this date. she tries to get the conversation to go elsewhere (what traditions they like, and Ben says church attendance is important) – and Michael says “what about Easter, you didn’t go to church on Easter” and apparently they are in germany over said holiday, and it gets REAL weird. “did you call your son? no?” Michael. stop. this. Ben gets up and walks out. Des scolds Michael for this – it is so bad. this is so the worst. Des goes to check on Ben, who is mad, understandably. the two of them sit in a wine cellar (win) and talk – ok, maybe he’s just really skilled at lying, but i don’t think he’s a jerk. i think he’s uncomfortable in the house. so, Des then goes with Michael to talk (and i want to make sure we understand: Des has said she may send them both home) about why he is so mad at Ben. yawn. Michael needs to get over it. rose time! let’s see. michael. MICHAEL? WHAT? K collapses, and i yell at the tv. in the limo, Ben berates the camera that he won’t sit and look unhappy, and that Des picked someone who is terrible, and she’ll figure it out later. and then he asks how long he has to wait before being seen in public with someone else, and where can he get drunk. good grief.

Des says she may do something a little bit different this rose ceremony, and i am thrilled. i don’t love that her look is matronly (i think it’s the hair). Chris Harrison interrogates her about who she likes to kiss, and y’all, no. Des also says – no cocktail party tonight. BUT WHAT ABOUT DREW’S CONFRONTATION?? everyone looks stunned by the party cancellation. this is amazing. i love how genuinely startled they are.

rose ceremony! Chris, Brooks, and Michael have roses already. the ceremony music makes me really nervous. i may have yelled at Drew for not speaking up.

roses go to: Zak, Kasey, Juan Pablo (thank god), Drew, and James (Drew turns an odd color at this)

Mikey goes home. fine by me! i approve! send him away!