bachelorette: episode 6 {recap/ridiculous}

i no longer have cable, so i’m working on this bad boy the day after it airs. i’ve heard that the teaser for next week is exciting, so i’m honestly most looking forward to that…

this week, Des and The Men are in Barcelona. AND THERE WILL BE DRAMA AND TEARS AND I THINK DES MAKES OUT IN AN ALLEY, WHICH IS GROSS.

ugh. barcelona is really pretty. you guys. i’d do this show just to travel. though, Des, my dear, you say that every city is “the perfect place to fall in love”. ONE OF THEM MUST BE, but not all.

this is the shirtless dude from the first episode, and i cannot get over how much his face bothers me. though, my new driver's license photo is basically a mugshot, so i'll be quiet now

this is the shirtless dude from the first episode, and i cannot get over how much his face bothers me. though, my new driver’s license photo is basically a mugshot, so i’ll be quiet now

the men all know that James is just here to be famous and to meet girls later, and they want to make sure Des finds out. this will surely not backfire AT ALL. Chris Harrison rolls up looking totally adorable (i really love him), and they learn that the one-on-one dates will either get a rose or go home. and there won’t be a cocktail party before the final rose ceremony.

this is the face that James makes when told there is no pre-ceremony party. he is thinking HARD, you guys

this is the face that James makes when told there is no pre-ceremony party. he is thinking HARD, you guys

Chris reads the first date card, which goes to Drew – his first one-on-one (“let’s build a foundation for love”), apparently. Drew is excited but also knows he must tell Des about the James situation (i assume). remember, Chris told you to use your time wisely, so maybe tattling on this other guy isn’t the best use of that time alone? their date is just exploring the city, which i approve of, as dates go. they drink from a fountain that apparently means they’ll come back to Spain, eat tapas (WANT), and kiss ALL THE TIME. Drew talks about his relationship with his dad (awkwardly saying his dad is a recovered alcoholic as Des downs a glass of wine). what. and his dad has cancer? this is the saddest date ever. but, Des appreciates that he is opening up about something very personal, and they walk off into the rain, and it’s adorable.

hey, hulu? i’m canceling my subscription because i HATE those creepy gelato ads. i don’t want to see people’s mouths making food words all sexual and weird.

during their dinner, Drew steals Des away, clearly thinking that the camera won’t follow, but we’re treated to the cameraman’s POV as it stares at the empty table, jerks, and starts running after them down a dark alley. then we spy with the cameraman from the corner of the alley as Drew checks Des’ tonsils against a wall. sexy?

date card! read by Brooks. group date! Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, and Juan Pablo. i think Juan Pablo’s days are numbered, sadly.

this is how he feels about going on another group date

this is how Juan Pablo feels about going on another group date

also – JP has a daughter. there are a lot of guys with kids on this show. no judgment, just an observation. date card says “loooooove”, but with soccer balls for each of the o’s. okay. sure.

back in the dark alley, Des is getting real emotional on Drew. romantic. he gets the rose, obviously. omg. oh no. “there’s one more thing i have to say”, he says, and then he tells her what he heard James say. he gives her the chance to not hear the story, and she chooses to hear it. Des is a mad lady, y’all. James may die. she is swearing a lot.

back at the hotel, Drew fills some of the other guys in on what he told Des. they have this conversation under a random tree.

also, nice headband

also, nice headband, michael. it can get sweaty under trees.

the group date is at RCD Espanyol, which probably means something to people who watch soccer. Brooks says that Juan Pablo’s name translates to “you have no chance, and I am going after Desiree at this moment on the soccer field”, which, given that JP is a professional soccer player, may be accurate. Des has her own soccer team, all women, and this is the douchey reaction one of the guys gives:

"I look up with my game face on, and it's six girls. Ha!"

“I look up with my game face on, and it’s six girls. Ha!”

obviously she got a professional team to play on her side, and now i’m invested in a soccer game because EVERY guy is like “oh, obviously we’ll win” because…girls are terrible at sports? the guys get the first two goals. then the girls get two, and James is the worst at blocking goals, in case you were wondering. and Des says “they don’t know what’s coming”, so i’m hoping for, like, a shark, or something. with 3:24 left, the girls are up 6-2, and it gives me joy. final score? 10-2. HAHAHAHAHA suck it, boys’ team.

post-game, there is dinner at Des’ barcelona digs. Des snags Chris for solo time, where she reads a poem she wrote for him – turning the tables on her poet-man. aww. i am sort of not big on their rhyming poems for each other. i am unimpressed, but i do like Chris a lot. meanwhile, Michael and Kasey discuss the James situation, and Michael thinks they need to confront James “man to man”. yes, this is a great idea. “James is here…to further his career” – WHAT CAREER? no seriously. what career? i thought he just wanted ladies and fame. Kasey confronts James, and here is James’ “I am being confronted, remain calm” face:

don't. sweat. don't. sweat.

don’t. sweat. don’t. sweat.

after the commercial, we go to…Brooks and Des Snuggle Time. uh. what? okay. Brooks has feelings, so does Des, yay them. BACK TO THE DRAMA. James says that he agrees that conversation about getting ladies and money was disrespectful, but that he wasn’t the one who started that conversation. WHAT. NOT THE POINT, JAMES. his next argument is that the Bachelor (and the possibility of becoming the next one, and sorry for the rambling, but y’all, this fight is tense and i cannot keep up) has nothing to do with him because he’s been on a one-on-one date. LOGIC. there is a lot of pointing and sentences that make no sense. no one is winning here, guys.

Michael's dead-on impression of James. a critical point in any argument is when you imitate the other person.

Michael’s dead-on impression of James. a critical point in any argument is when you imitate the other person.

James starts yelling – it was a secret conversation, but it was also a joke, and then Chris tries to calm the situation by doing this:

he is literally hushing them in panic

he is literally hushing them in panic

James gets up and yells and points, because that’s how you win. he also (classy alert!) tells Michael that some things (like, apparently, Michael’s self-pleasure moments) happen off-camera. WHAT THE ACTUAL EFF. Kasey decides to use his one-on-one time with Des to talk about James. GREAT IDEA. also, it doesn’t appear that Juan Pablo got any one-on-one time before Des comes in to grab James and hopefully push him out of a window. whoa. whoa. first, she says she isn’t bothering with the rose tonight, the guys have to go home and leave her and James and seriously, if she sends the cameras away, we should go look for his body.

Des and James take a seat. oh wait, no. Des takes a seat, James lies down awkwardly first.

I hope she's telling him to sit the f up

I hope she’s telling him to sit the f up

i wish i could create a gif of the facial expressions James goes through before explaining that he wasn’t the one to talk about the girls and the boats (there are boats waiting in Chicago for him, i think). James…you’re the worst? yes. the worst. he plays the victim, and doesn’t seem to see that Des is  upset that he brought up the possibility of being the Bachelor and having things back home because it implies that he is not invested in this relationship. relationship pro tip: don’t admit to things you have on the back burner. because, you know. your current relationship is the only burner you should have lit. on the stovetop of love (note: see below for when this is most applicable. spoiler: reality tv). JUST SEND HIM HOME. holy pants. Des clearly doesn’t trust him, and whether or not James said this stuff (i think he did), i don’t think he’s really into this – and she has such great guys to choose from, why keep this lunkhead? i also want to see him go home so we can see his true colors in the limo camera confessional. Des goes to think a bit, and tells him she needs to think it over for the night, and will decide in the morning. relationship pro tip 2: don’t have big fights late at night, it is the worst idea. back at the hotel, Kasey fills the men in on the juicy details, and do they know that James is on his way back? ugh. James is super upset, and i cannot tell if it’s genuine or not. SO CONFUSED. i also literally clutch my face when he walks back into the hotel suite and the guys are all there talking about him.

the next day, Zak W has a date with Des, who must be emotionall hungover. they go to an art studio to draw – something Des is good at, and Zak…is better at than i expected. oh wait, i take that back upon seeing his portrait of Des. she is cry-laughing about it, and so is he, and good, she needs a laugh. then, enter the male model in a robe. and then, not in a robe.

appropriate facial reaction, sir

appropriate facial reaction, sir

Zak decides to do something scandalous (and to make her laugh, i think), so he leaves, comes back in a robe, and Des looks HORRIFIED.

i have no caption for this because i'm laughing too hard

i have no caption for this because i’m laughing too hard

this date is taking forever and i hate  hulu’s ad breaks. Des and Zak head into…a cave. okay. oh, a wine cave? i’m down with that. at dinner, they talk about family, but i’m bored by this intimate talk, so i tune out and read spoilers online. he gets the rose, of course, because they had a good date and he doesn’t appear to be a jackass. they also make out in a cave tunnel. DES. stop making out in dark places, it’s bad for TV.

at the man suite, James confronts Drew about how he told Des about James being a skeezeball. Drew gives an excellent explanation of the “keep your lady on the front burner” concept, and that James really shouldn’t be thinking about how things might fail miserably, because it means he’s not here to fall in love. pro-tip 3: this show is ridiculous and not like real relationships. James, honey, i don’t think that America cares enough about your happiness to let you be the next Bachelor. Drew does make a good point: if you go on an accelerated-reality show like this, you need to focus in on true love like you’re…going to fire a missile at it? i don’t know the appropriate comparison, sorry. but the whole purpose of this show (and shows like it) is to “find true love” in about 3 months flat. not realistic if it were you or me in real life, but through the lens of the TV camera, it goes faster, and by choosing to be on the show, you have to choose to be a crazy idiot and assume you’ll “win”/”find true love” (pick your favorite way of phrasing it). and that means not acknowledging that not all relationships work out.

let’s pause my wisdom for a moment and look at this Awkward Couch Moment, and also, Brooks’ Fabulous Hair.

i love that Brooks is gawking because he's not really involved in the drama and wants to know when James will punch someone

i love that Brooks is gawking because he’s not really involved in the drama and wants to know when James will punch someone

Des pops in and steals James, and i think we all join in prayer that he just. goes. away. Des asks how he’s feeling, and he tells her he feels better, and i LOVE her reaction of “really?”, because…really, dude? sigh. this is insane. he’s SO sleazy. anyhow. she doesn’t decide at this point, the guys (spying from on high) are not pleased, and y’all. for real. this is ridiculous. he comes back into the hotel suite, and Chris (who clearly wants to know what the hell is happening), asks what they talked about. James explains that he’s just being real, son. Chris basically snaps and yells at him for being a sketchball. i am no longer writing out this argument because it is the same thing as above.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY.

excellent posture in this group

excellent posture in this group

Chris Harrison comes in and i want him to make James go away now.

so much drama, chris tells us

so much drama, chris tells us

people with a rose already: Zak W, Drew

roses go to: Chris, Brooks, and…Michael

JUAN PABLO IS GOING HOME AND I HATE IT ALL whoa, and Kasey? and James!

there are only five guys left, y’all. man. intense. they’re off to Madeira (off the coast of Portugal). the teaser shows happy-happy-happy-Drew drops a bombshell and Des is a mess and WHAT IS THIS???? you guys. the teaser shows Drew saying “it’s just never gonna work” and what on earth. i cannot. then we see a car pulling up to the guys’ houses and Brooks is crying in a forest and someone is holding an engagement ring. it REALLY looks like the season ends next week. good god. but um, editing can make shows look like anything is possible. they could have edited it to look like a shark was going to eat Des, and i would buy it completely.

ANYHOW. sorry for my inability to emote and type. the above paragraph was basically typed while i was having a panic attack about the most ridiculous tv show ever. WHEE.

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