bachelorette: episode 7 {recap/ridiculous}

in what is becoming my post-run ritual, i’m sitting down to hulu (i tried to break up with hulu but i couldn’t bring myself to leave…i just love too many terrible tv shows) and recapping last night’s episode of the bachelorette. thanks to the internet, i know (sort of) what goes on in this episode.

wine. there will be lots of wine.

wine. there will be lots of wine. also, a confession? EXCITING.

let’s dive into love, y’all. take the leap. dance on a building (that did happen in this season in a desperate attempt by producers to create drama or death).

true story: the ford focus ad that mocks the volvo/twilight tie-in made me laugh out loud.

this week, Des and The Men are on the drop-dead gorgeous island of Madeira (off the coast of Morocco, but the island belongs to Portugal). i am green with envy.

see? the tiny island? I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

see? the tiny island? I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

the gang cruises in on a boat, sitting on what has to be the least comfortable part of the boat, ever. Michael the Federal Prosecutor says he needs that one-on-one date, someone else goes “oh, look at the fish in the water”, and you guys, the fish are tiny enough that i am 95% sure the cameras panned to the wrong fish.

that looks so not safe

that looks so not safe

Des says that this week is super-important because next week is Meet the Fam Week, and she wants to be sure she’s meeting the families of the guys who truly have potential. Chris (go Chris!) says he’s falling in love with Des (it has been…not many weeks. i love my boyfriend but i don’t think i was at the I’m In Love With You/You’re My One True Love stage at only 7 weeks). anyhoo. this week Des has three one-on-one dates and one two-on-one (in which no one has to go home) – and that two-on-one date has a rose (so. that’s complicated for this show. everybody goes on dates. the two-on-one – one person gets a rose, but the guy who doesn’t get the rose isn’t necessarily going home, he’s just not as cool as the guy who gets a rose). that sounds hella awkward.

this image exists because i like her scarf.

this image exists because i like her scarf.

Drew says that the resort they’re staying at “looks untouched”. honey. it looks awful touched to me. if it was untouched, y’all would be sleeping under a tarp and getting scolded for stepping on the ground.

"untouched" hahaha no.

“untouched” hahaha no.

Des has invited some lady-friends from the previous season to provide her with some wisdom. We have Catherine (who won Sean’s love last season on The Bachelor):

she looks as if she's communing with the energy around her

she looks as if she’s communing with the energy around her

Jackie (from Sean’s season, and honey, i am sorry this was the image i chose)

i swear she's cute. i just am terrible at screenshots.

i swear she’s cute. i just am terrible at screenshots.

and Lesley, who i remember liking a lot last season (she’s from DC, i believe)! (also, ring shot from Catherine, by accident. god, they pick tacky rings)

literally the only flattering screenshot of any of the girls

literally the only flattering screenshot of any of the girls

everybody squeals when Des shows up, and they sit down with their vibrant yellow beverages. “I’ve been missing girl time”, says Des, and honestly? i would be ready to hole up hermit-style after about five seconds on this show. i’d be asking the producers for a week of not speaking to anyone.

ugh, bathing suits. the worst.

they have such a terrible life. drinks. pool. looking fabulous in bikinis.

Catherine talks about her relationship with Sean – “he wanted a best friend, i wanted a best friend, and that’s what we are to each other” – which is a good thing, i suppose. i would be dying for some slow normal dating time if i were her, so i hope that’s what those two are doing – dating like normal people. Des gives the run-down on the guys – Chris is supportive, Brooks is a positive person (but is he ready for a serious commitment? INQUIRING MINDS BY THE POOL WANT TO KNOW), Michael is…a federal prosecutor (um. is that all she has to say? not promising, Michael) who is also genuine, Zak is adventurous and reflective, and Drew is the sweetest person you’ll ever meet. Lesley wonders if he is too sweet, and Des says she’s trying to “find out the spice” in Drew. ginger? paprika? cardamon? so many spices! Des tells the girls that she is falling in love with more than one of the guys – and that she can see a ring on her finger in the future. technically, she could just wear whatever effing ring she wanted on her I’m Getting Hitched finger, and no one could stop her.

today’s date is with Brooks, and Des begins to tell her friends about this date, when the guys roll up. they’re all swimming in the pool while the girls do this:

"Drew really likes to do the basketball"

“Drew really likes to do the basketball” – Jackie, what?

apparently Drew is the best kisser, Michael is the most successful, Chris is most athletic, Drew has the best body, and Brooks has the best eyes. this is the ranking that everyone gets. what about Zak? he gets most adventurous. Catherine then asks something that gets bleeped out three times, and i am just not dirty enough to know what she asks, because the one thing i can imagine them being curious about is just one word. Des gives the Mysterious Bleep Award to Chris. she then says “they’re all going to be great lovers”, which cracks me up.

Des and Brooks: the one-on-one! they take off in a terribly dinky car (Brooks is a lot of man, y’all)

dinkiest. car. ever.

dinkiest. car. ever.

Brooks tells us that he is feeling a lot of emotions – it’s been a while since he had a one-on-one, and there are four other relationships she’s building, and he is feeling pensive. Des and Brooks then prove that they never learned basic grammar, as they try to come up with adjectives between ‘like’ and ‘love’ that they can say to each other that would mean the same thing. um. i feel pretty confident that when i say the phrase “i love you”, i’m using ‘love’ as a verb. right? right. you guys need other verbs, not other adjectives. it’s subject-verb-object, not subject-adjective-object. THAT DOESN’T EFFING WORK.

they reach the top of the mountain (“i’m on the road to love” says Des, and Brooks tells us “I’m definitely in the clouds, trying to figure out how i feel”…they ought to write a song). the mountaintop is surrounded by clouds, FYI. Brooks takes the lead on a conversation about their relationship, how easy it is to be together, how exciting it would be to have this thing in the real world where they can figure out how to “put the puzzle pieces” of their relationship together, and i actually kind of love him for this.

they are quite literally in a cloud

they are quite literally in a cloud. A CLOUD OF LOVE.

“We didn’t just break through the clouds, i feel that Brooks and i really had a breakthrough in our relationship” OMG i wish i were playing a Cheesy Love Statement drinking game. i’d be toast. man, Brooks has this in the bag, rose-wise. and possible entire-show wise.

back at the resort, a date card arrives. Chris will be going on a boat, i assume, as the card says “let’s sea if we can find love here” – so Chris gets a coveted one-on-one date. good. Brooks and Des finish up their date with dinner – and Des tells the camera that she is falling in love with him. WHOA. over the meal they don’t touch, they talk about meeting Brooks’ family – a big deal, because his family apparently gets super attached to his serious lady friends, which…i don’t think that’s super unusual, Brooks. he talks about how he is close to his family not just because they’re his family, then goes on to explain how they’d make sacrifices for each other and a variety of other phrases that basically describe what a family is supposed to be like (whether or not they’re blood, the family you have are the people who would do anything for each other, right? right.).

then they discuss their adjectives between like and love, and come up with stepping, skipping, running, and finish line, NONE OF WHICH ARE ADJECTIVES. they agree that they’re going into a run – so, i think they’re trying to tell each other that they each are falling for the other. just, not using adjectives, because those words aren’t adjectives. now there are fireworks. i’m caught up in my rage over grammatical rules, so, psh. whatever. everyone gets fireworks on this show.

Chris begins his date with Des by telling us he wants to take her home “very badly”, which comes across more weird and less romantic.

"relaxing boat-style, drinking some vino" - oh, Chris.

“relaxing boat-style, drinking some vino” – oh, Chris.

the date is on a big boat, and Chris, STOP saying things like “no one can interrupt me, she’s all mine”. he tells her her brought his extra short shorts today, which, no. apparently they have a lot of physical chemistry. Chris, i like you, but you’re kind of boring me.

date card back at the resort! Michael gets a one-on-one (he’s never had one, apparently), and y’all, he is pumped. Drew is less than pumped that he gets a two-on-one with Zak.

Chris and Des land on a deserted island and go with their picnic, where they discuss how their friends view them. Des talks about how it can be hard to rely on others because she’s used to being independent. GIRL. i feel you. oh no. Chris suggests that they write a poem together, and i am not 100% sure i can watch this sober. they plan to put the terrible poem into a bottle and throw the bottle into the ocean for some poor sea critter to swallow. sigh. i hate them right now. this poem is worse than the adjective situation earlier.

"here, honey, let's kill some nature with a bottle."

“here, honey, let’s kill some nature with a bottle.”

Chris tells us he plans to tell Des TONIGHT that he loves her. GAH. dinner is in a winery (excellent life choice), and i’d also like to point out that this island is populated by cats. so many cat, all over the place. they talk about what size family they want – family planning is a great date conversation with a person you probably won’t marry. Des wants “three or four kids, that would be fun”, except, does she know she would (possibly) have to give birth to all of them? unless she adopts. yes. adopt three or four. do not push that many out. then, Chris starts sweating and panicking because he wants to say he loves her. my stomach basically ties itself in a knot at this point. Des looks baffled by his behavior. JUST SAY IT, OH GOD, I CANNOT DEAL. HE READS HER AN EFFING POEM TO TELL HER HE LOVES HER. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. y’all. if you want to tell someone you love him or her, just say it. it’s campy and weird and not as powerful to put it in a poem, or to tell them a story that ends with “and then i realized i love you” or whatever. it’s just so much more meaningful to say those three important words without dressing them up. i mean, sure, preface with “i’ve been thinking a lot, and…” or “this is wild and scary and i love you” – obviously blurting it out is awkward. but to me? it means a lot more to hear that for the first time in a much simpler format than a poem.

given that Des does tackle-kiss him, i guess she doesn’t share my beliefs on this.

Michael and Des are on their one-on-one. i think he’s my least favorite. he tells us that if you had a list of 47 criteria for the perfect woman, Des has 48 criteria. um, okay. he yammers on about the journey, and Des’ responses are “yeah” and “that’s so cool”, which…not a good sign. he says he feels the chemistry, i think maybe he’s wrong.

love is like being pushed down a street by two Portuguese men in a wicker couch

love is like being pushed down a street by two Portuguese men in a wicker couch

this date is weird. i’m also not even going to type the rollercoaster/love comparison Michael came up with, as it hurt my brain. Des describes Michael as “protective”, which is not an attractive adjective in my mind, but we’re different women, Des and i. he strikes me as very traditional and closed-off. bleh. though, when he tells her he had fun on the date, she cooes and drinks some wine and says “that’s nice”. pretty sure he’s going home. Michael talks about his relationship with his biological father – who i guess deserted the family somewhere around when Michael was diagnosed with Type I diabetes (these are facts i forgot COMPLETELY).

at the resort, the date card for the two-on-one shows up.

Michael tells Des about his last relationship, when his girlfriend was caught cheating because she posted a photo to facebook. what. an. idiot. (her, not him). he tells her how much she (Des) means to him, and she clearly thinks he’s sweet, but i don’t think she sees a relationship with him. they stop to listen to an opera singer in a deserted square (did everyone leave the island? this is strange), and he says it took meeting the one he was going to marry to make him feel like he could love again. oh, honey.

i cannot begin to tell you how much i am dreading the two-on-one date.

we basically have the same feeling about two-on-one dates

we basically have the same feeling about two-on-one dates

Zak earns points for being excited to see Des, and Drew loses them for being obnoxiously pouty about sharing her on the date. they’re going go-kart racing for this date. she has the guys race each for a surprise – food, maybe? i’d race for food.

INSERT ABOUT TO RACE PIC

don’t worry, there are lots of racing/love comparisons. Zak wins. Drew tells us that he is going to tell Des that he loves her. remember the teaser for this? lots of tears? ACK WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WHY IS THERE A COMMERCIAL RIGHT NOW?? okay. the “surprise” is that Zak gets to spend alone time with Des before Drew does. blah. Drew whines about this. Zak busts out a “scrapbook” of drawings he’s done of all their memories on the journey they’ve been on. he tells us that he wants to say he loves her, but today isn’t the day. Drew steps in, and talks about how excited his family is to meet Des – which Zak didn’t do, so maybe this ups the odds of Drew getting the rose. he tells her how excited his sister (who i don’t remember hearing about – in his words, “she is severely mentally handicapped and can’t communicate) would be to meet her. he talks about how many feelings he has. guy. everyone on the show has lots of feelings.

in which he tells her he's in love.

in which he tells her he’s in love.

see, this is a better way to tell someone, i think. just a lot more natural, not in a poem. Drew gets the rose, obviously. Zak looks so sad. and then, the most awkward thing on the planet happens.

nope.

nope.

rose ceremony time, y’all. some ominous music. you know, Brooks is supposed to be crying in a tree grove in this episode, and so far, no crying. perplexing. Chris is shown packing (everyone but Drew will be packing, though), and then! then. this.

elbow patches! LOVE

elbow patches! LOVE

man. i love this kid. i also really love Des’ dress, but cannot get a good shot of it. it’s basically backless and a fabulous high neck and a gorgeous turquoise color, though it is dragging on the ground and rather grody looking on the hem. Des tells Chris Harrison that Drew is husband material. Chris Harrison says “Brooks” just because Des giggles and flushes and gets giddy, and it’s adorable. WHOA. then! she tells him about the verbs (she gets it right) they came up with, and she tells him that she hit the finish line AKA is in love and y’all, i think Chris Harrison sums it up:

i love his reaction to "i'm in love with Brooks"

i love his reaction to “i’m in love with Brooks”

aw, y’all. this is super cute. Chris Harrison is so adorable and happy for her. he asks her if the show is over – and she says it’s not, that she is still figuring out her feeling (she mentions Chris here as well). i think Michael is going home, though.

fabulous color, right?

fabulous color, right?

Brooks gets the first rose of the ceremony. Chris gets the second. it’s down to Zak or Michael for the last rose – and the last hometown week person. Zak gets it, so Michael is going home. not terribly surprised at all.

i mean. womp womp.

i mean. womp womp.

Des walks him out and explains that the other relationships were growing in different ways. Michael tells her he thought he was in a place to make her happy for the rest of her life (dang), and i think Des is more worried about how he feels than he is upset – if that makes sense. he tells her that he thinks the world of her (aww) and thanks her for being honest with him before he took her home to meet his family. man, he wins at the goodbye. it’s pretty sweet, and respectful, and while i don’t think he was the right guy for her, he’s clearly a good guy. oh. my. god. he calls his mother from the van on the ride back. what the eff. he says “maybe i’m just not meant to get married and have a family”, which wins for “worst ending line ever”.

NEXT WEEK. meeting families! Brooks’ family is huge. Zak’s family…has a penguin mascot? and sings! Chris’ dad is a chiropractor and gets hands-on with Des! Des’ idiot brother is back!

um, last thought: the producers are sneaky mofos and nothing they showed in the teaser happened. psh.

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