bachelorette, season 9: finale part one

it is always promising (for the viewer) when the finale of any show has two parts.

disclaimer: i follow some very funny people on twitter and they spoiled this episode for me and honestly, it just served to get me pumped up for sitting down to watch this bad boy. i’ve gone on my morning run, i’ve got iced coffee and breakfast and let’s. do. this.

we start off with the cheesiest effing introduction to the show: slow-motion beach make outs, rolling waves, i think Drew actually is cross-eyed (someone on twitter mentioned it and now i cannot unsee it.), and the line “i want to give my heart to someone and know they won’t break it” – oh, girlfriend. let’s have a heart-to-heart over a large bottle of tequila. also, i mean, love is grand, but there are no freaking guarantees in life, and you should have figured that out by now.

shut up. Antigua is gorgeous. someone fly me to Antigua. seriously. right now.

eyeroll on the flashback. this season has not been so complicated that i need a recap. Des = a nice, normal-seeming lady person. The Men = boring as all get-out. i do give props to the shark-gonna-eat-you music that plays at random “dramatic” moments. or a recap of who the last three guys are. poor Chris, being described as having “boyish charm” is not a good thing. that poetry needs to stop, though. Drew is pretty. like, too pretty. i don’t understand the genetics that come together to make his face like that. Brooks = Twu Wuv. also, adjectives and nouns are super confusing. he has not told her he loves her, and “he almost doesn’t have to”. you know, if my boyfriend had never told me he loved me, i don’t think we’d be living together, because i would have assumed that meant he didn’t. freaking. love. me. because that is how humans express what they think. with words.

Date with Drew

these two. they’d make such pretty babies. they set off to explore Antigua (I really love that so many of her dates are just exploring the cool places she gets to go. good choice) by Jeep, and talk about how blue the water is. they stop at a local festival-type-thing, and Drew talks about how all the things they buy are memories. um, sweetie, memories aren’t supposed to be things you buy. but okay. you’re still pretty. then, they limbo.

...womp womp

…womp womp

well. that happened. they go on a picnic after the festival, and Des explicitly is all “i know how he feels and he’s honest and i love that” and i’m like WELL ISN’T THAT INTERESTING, HE USED HIS WORDS AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE THINKS. then they share some banal talk and i fall asleep because they’re so freaking normal and that makes boring TV.

Antigua should use this for ads

Antigua should use this for ads

Drew tells us he is ready to propose, and hopes that “tonight is the night” – uh? i thought tonight was all about fantasy suite (oh hey), not proposing? maybe when the cameras are gone, he’ll tell her he’s ready for that step? i’m not sure what he means, honestly. they’re supposed to have dinner on the beach, but the skies open up, so it’s off to the fantasy suite where Des gives Drew the invitation to the fantasy suite. Drew accepts because he’s no fool. they talk some more about the progress of the relationship.

Des then talks about how her ex couldn’t be the first to say he loved her, couldn’t give her compliments, etc, at which point, i realize – she’s literally blinded by love and cannot see that the Brooks situation is basically the same. i mean, different, because it’s a 9-week thing, not a longer-term deal, but STILL. Drew says he wants to show her how “intimate, passionate, and crazy about her” he is. um. grammatically, he did just say “intimate about her”, which..weird. the cameras follow them into the bedroom, they sit and make out until Drew looks at the camera and tells them to scoot. only, the microphones are still on, and so we are treated to make-out noises and Des going “it’s so hot in here” before it fades to black. mmm. sounds romantical.

anyhow. i genuinely think Drew is a good match for Des, but i don’t think she totally buys what she is saying about how wonderfully he treats her – it’s like she sees all the good things he does and how much he cares, and if her best friend were juggling Drew and Chris and Brooks, Des would be all “look how much he worships and supports you, GO BE WITH HIM”, but because it’s her, and she (thanks to chemistry and hormones) is stupid for Brooks, she just doesn’t realize that all these great things are maybe actually signs that he is a Great Find and she should Get On That. i feel bad for Drew now.

Brooks in Boise

now we’re at a duck pond with Brooks

so preppy. so EVIL.

so preppy. so EVIL.

our first major red flag is that he says he has the option of telling her he’s in love with her or that he’s not. oh my ever-loving jesus. Brooks. that is not an “option”. being in love with someone is a thing that you either know to be true or know to be false, and it’s not like you get to check a box and then it’s just how it is. if you think you have to choose which it is, i have news: you’re not in love. and maybe it’s “not yet” because it’s a tv show and 9 weeks isn’t a long time and this whole thing is weird and so normal people probably wouldn’t know yet, but (as i keep saying) the nature of the show is such that  you need to be a Person Who Accelerates Quickly, like Drew or Chris, and is a little less afraid than normal humans of falling hard and fast. so don’t think that you’re a freak for not being there yet, but know that in this show, you’re expected to be In Love and ready for Marriage and Commitment (and sorry, some things are just proper nouns, especially with this show) at a certain stage – probably at the hometown, if not before – and so you may not be a freak, but you are sort of slow and maybe a jerk for not recognizing the weirdness of the show and that you aren’t for it.

anyhow. he’s in Boise to talk to his mom and one of his sisters about his feelings. he also mentions that comments his family made have stuck in his head, to which i say, good, but also, you and your family members are different people, and sometimes you get to choose to ignore what other people think means it’s love, and define it for yourself. his mom and sister are both like “if you have doubts, and you aren’t there yet, you shouldn’t propose, and you should have the hard conversation NOW”.

he is a very pretty sulker

he is a very pretty sulker

he also throws out the possibility that Des is having similar concerns. nope. and then he wants his family to tell him what to do. Brooks. you’re a grown-up. some shit you just flail about blindly and it is hard and hurtful and ugly and it gets done, and you learn. we all have to learn some things on our own. do not ask your family  how to break up with a girl. this is ALL on you.

Date with Chris

ugh, they’re dragging out the Brooks thing. i cannot. anyhow, Des wore this:

i assume that the wardrobe folks were intoxicated during this trip

i assume that the wardrobe folks were intoxicated during this trip

Chris doesn’t seem to mind the fringed horror. Des mentions how Chris expresses his feelings all the time. LORD. DES. PUT IT ALL TOGETHER PLEASE. they’re helicoptering around Antigua (he says he’s scared of heights, and you know, this show used to do dates that were all “you’re afraid of water? YOU’RE GOING INTO A CAVE POOL” and they should do that more. fear breeds love, right?)

they land on Barbuda Island, which is real pretty.

terribly pretty. jealous rage.

terribly pretty. jealous rage.

they discuss the hometown, his family loved her, Des loved them, yawn. again – this is SO normal. Des. normal is good. and it’s great that y’all can just talk and be together. PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER, WOMAN. yet again, she says all these things to us about how great a husband he would be, how kind he is, how much chemistry, and i just don’t buy it completely that she thinks those things mean he’s the one.

dinner! pina coladas! they talk about the future, and he asks if she would move to Seattle. she is honest with him – it would be hard, and she doesn’t want to sacrifice for him and lose out. they have a good conversation about this – that they’d both need to acknowledge the challenge of moving somewhere because of a person. she ends with being open to moving. fantasy suite card comes out. WHY do they have to read it? it says the same freaking thing on every card. also, of course he says yes.

guh. thought we were done with poems. Chris. no. i ignore the poem because i love myself. we leave them making out in a hot tub beneath the stars.

okay. the next day, I think today is Brooks Doomsday, but first, this is what Des put on, and i cannot find words:

worst outfit of all time, maybe?

worst outfit of all time, maybe?

Brooks Talks With Chris, Drags Out the Inevitable

Chris Harrison, thank god. punch Brooks for me, please? we see Brooks arriving while Des voiceovers about how madly in love she is. i may throw up. Brooks tells us that his head knows Des is a great girl, but his heart isn’t in it – that same detachment we see in Des when she talks about the other guys. interesting. to his credit, it does not look like Brooks has slept in a while. good. sorry. i know before i was all “you’re so normal, that’s why you aren’t in love now”, but i like Des, and Girl Power, and so…grrr.

good lord, i need Chris Harrison around to help me understand emotions. he tells Brooks that he needs to know if he is just “not sure” or “not in love”, because if he’s not sure, then the fantasy suite night will be a good opportunity to have privacy and time to talk with Des about everything and figure stuff out.

"i will punch you"

“i will punch you”

Brooks says he doesn’t think he’s ever going to feel it, if he doesn’t at this point, that he doesn’t think Des is the love of his life. ugggh. oh man, Chris goes at this like a pro. he tries to get Brooks to say what the feeling is that he’s missing (Brooks says something about feeling vulnerable, crazy), then goes way hard and is like “does this have to do with your parents getting divorced?” because maybe Brooks isn’t ready for love and commitment??? (sorry for all the question marks, i’m way into this episode). and Brooks is all, “I’ve been ready for marriage before and it didn’t work out” and Chris is all, “so you are ready for love, and you wish it could be with Des, and it’s not? how does that weigh on you?” and Brooks looks anguished and i am watching this like a crazy lady. also, he has so much product in his hair. ew. Brooks says he doesn’t want to hurt her, i think perhaps hoping that Chris will tell him to go home now. but no. Chris Harrison says that “as a man” (ouch, Brooks) he has to have that conversation with Des.

Worst Date Ever

okay, so Brooks says “despite my feelings” he has to break up with Des. let’s nitpick. WHAT FEELINGS? like, the feeling that something could be there? because…just…what?

he does this a lot in this episode

he does this a lot in this episode

omg. poor Des. she’s all happy about taking a catamaran to some place called Bird Island, and is adorably happy and oblivious in her terrible outfit. i have to wonder if the producers made sure her cameraman didn’t know what was going on with Brooks, because dude, otherwise? heartless not to put down the camera and be all “honey, no” and then hug her while crying. she talks about how much in love she is, how much she misses him when she’s gone…honestly, i have to stop listing all the ways she is happy, because this hurts to watch.

Brooks walks up and says they need to talk, and she sits down and swings a leg over his leg, and really, Des, did you get a “good time for snuggles” vibe here??

augh. this is agonizing. because Brooks obviously does not want to do this, he takes his time. telling her how she fits a checklist, how he felt at first, and how things feel good. then he’s all “it takes me a while after not seeing you to remember what we have” and OUCH. my heart hurts.

i want to hug her, then get her drunk.

i want to hug her, then get her drunk.

he confirms for her that he feels like he loses his feelings for her when she’s not around – right after she says she keeps feeling feelings for him when he’s not around (sorry, i know, this is a record for use of the word “feeling”).

hey, Brooks? or anyone, ever, breaking up with someone? you do not have the right to ask the person whose heart you are breaking “please don’t cry”, because that is a selfish thing to say to someone. it’s you asking them to consider how uncomfortable and dickish you feel seeing that your actions and words made them cry. it is not caring. let Des cry. UGH. he hugs her, and she thanks him, and y’all, THIS IS THE WORST. i cannot understand the words they’re saying, but he says he doesn’t want her to feel that way, and asks her to look at him, and she refuses to. good girl.

MOVE. YOUR. LEG.

MOVE. YOUR. LEG.

she asks why now, and he says he didn’t know until now, and i’m stupidly proud of her for making him explain himself. when he says “i don’t feel it”, she goes “mmm” in this tone of hum that means he is a dead man. i actually giggle when he tries to put his arm around her and she snarls “stop it”, because EFF YOU, BROOKS. you wanted to get let off the hook by your mom or sister telling you what to say? you wanted to get Chris H’s permission to leave without telling her? noooope. you get to be the grown-up and say these things to her face and see her reaction and recognize that (despite the silliness of this show) there are real feelings in people, and you just broke this woman’s heart, and she is MAD. (as am i, clearly).

whoa. whoa. she tells him that she loves him, and he gets upset that she didn’t say that before, and she’s all “i can’t” and i’m all “OBVIOUSLY, THAT’S PROBABLY IN HER CONTRACT” and then she says she was going to tell him today. holy pants.

i hope they provided therapy for the cameramen, who clearly took this shot to remind themselves that there is beauty in this cruel world

i hope they provided therapy for the cameramen, who clearly took this shot to remind themselves that there is beauty in this cruel world

there is a mumbly conversation about feelings (again), and i think all of humanity is with Des when we say “huh?” in response to whatever Brooks said about “having feelings but not recognizing them” in Madeira.

things that will be weird: being Drew or Chris and watching this show.

Des tells him “i don’t care that you just broke my heart. i love you” and this is what Brooks’ hair is doing in that moment, which is a PSA against hair gel abuse:

an immoveable force

an immoveable force

he tells her he does care for  her. her response is a sad head shake and “i guess you’re going home then”.

OKAY. jesus. we’re finally at Brooks Talking to Us Alone time, and he says he was surprised by how she felt, and by how he didn’t want to leave her. and then he slurs his words and i literally do not know what he says (somewhere is “love Des”, and “question myself”). yeesh.

i will say: my worst break-up was one in which a roommate walked into the middle of it and didn’t realize what was happening. god, that was awkward.

Brooks asks her what she’ll do now, and says he wondered about that when making this decision, and if she was conflicted during the show at all, and she tells him that she was conflicted because she didn’t want to share her heart, just give it to him. then, Brooks asks if he should go?!?! OBVIOUSLY.

their microphones pick up their heartbeats, which is super eerie.

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

she goes to sit by herself and be sad (i do not envy the cameraman tasked with tiptoeing after her), and Brooks cries amongst the trees. he tells us that this is the most difficult that it’s ever been to end a relationship, that he misses their moments. he says he wishes she was more in love with Drew or Chris (i think because he wanted that comfort of knowing he wasn’t too much of a jerk…i mean, maybe he wants her to be happy. whatever.)

i am dying to know what Drew and Chris must have thought when they were told that there would be an extra day or two before the final rose ceremony.

Des tells us that it’s over for her. we have to wait until next week, which may break me.

final thought: ack. but also, just remember – like characters on TV shows “die” and then return at random, Brooks may not be gone-gone.

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