bachelorette, season 9: season finale part 2

i stepped away from the internets last night and so have no idea what happened on last night’s season finale PART TWO of my all-time favorite stupid show. will Brooks come back? will Des choose herself? I CANNOT WAIT.

let’s do this.

sadly, this is not on hulu yet, and abc’s website doesn’t allow pausing on a powerful emotional moment, soooo…no screenshots. i’ll try to use my words to paint the picture.

okay, this was aired to a live audience, which means that i may end up hating everyone in the audience. shrieky.

recap from last week: HEARTBREAK WHOA OH WHOA. also, maybe because Brooks is a normal person who shouldn’t really have done this show (i’m still Team Des 4 Life).

i have to say, if i had to have my heart crushed, i wouldn’t be too upset if it was in Antigua: “oh, i’m so sad…let me drink my feelings FROM A COCONUT ON A BEACH”. in lieu of a coconut, Des dons a creamsicle-colored dress and sits down for a heart-to-heart with The Wonderful Chris Harrison. oh god, right off the bat: he asks how she’s doing, she lies and says she’s okay, then melts into a tear puddle and says “i’m okay if people don’t ask” and girl, i feel you. CH asks if she “had never met Brooks”, could she see herself with either Chris or Drew, and Des says she doesn’t know, and I say that’s a ludicrous question to ask now, because she is VERY sad and VERY hurt and VERY still in love (because there is no on/off switch, you see, it’s more like a dimmer switch that eventually hits ‘off’), and how the hell is she supposed to think hypothetically when the reality of it is still VERY fresh?

this is also basically CH hoping she’s willing to settle. but don’t worry, i think she is. she starts talking about what she likes about Chris, which…he’s sweet, i adore him and his elbow patches and i hate the poems, but this comes across as talking herself into it. like her blind date shows up and he’s got an extra eye and two tentacles where ears normally are and she’s all “i think i can be myself around him, once i stop crying uncontrollably”. (Chris doesn’t have that many issues, clearly. HYPERBOLE.). Drew is “sweet”, so i think it’s safe to say he’s not going to win find love.

“I’m still not broken. My heart might be, but my spirit has not been broken” is, I think, a phrase I need to embroider on pillows for all of my friends. just because it’s the greatest thing. Des, you speak beautifully. i would pay a lot of money for a hug from CH. is that creepy? Des decides to soldier on in the battle for love, and says she will decide based on how she feels, and HONEY, is that not what got you here in the first place? LISTEN TO YOUR HEART BUT ALSO LISTEN TO HIS HEART, and i know that’s a less fabulous song, but it’s a more honest and real-life song.

okay, on to the rose ceremony? wait, what? it’s not crystal clear to me what the plan is: is this just time for her to be like “hey boys, here’s what Brooks did, you’re both staying one more day so i can sort it out”, or is it “PROPOSE OR DIE” time?

it must be the former, because we have not seen Neil Lane roll up with the terrible engagement ring options.

Drew arrives first in a snazzy old-school car. then Chris shows up, and they stand in front of the rug that we used to have in our kitchen in front of the sink, this sort of faux New Mexico thing? LOL at Drew reaching to hold Chris’ hand, then realizing he should shake hands. awkward.

seriously, what is that rug?

seriously, what is that rug?

CH rolls up and is all “hey guys, stuff happened, here’s Des, and also, Tess can now get screenshots”. Des shows up and says “you might have noticed that Brooks isn’t here” and let’s all savor in the look of surprise on Chris’ face:

"I thought he was just invisible!"

“I thought he was just invisible!”

i nearly cry when she starts crying, which is a testament to the power of hormones. she tells them that she takes each relationship individually (i think i know what she means), and that she doesn’t want to let Brooks’ leaving affect the relationships with these two. she has two roses, and breaks down when she asks them to “please, let me know…” when she offers roses. ugh. GUYS. give her hugs and snuggles and tell her she’s the best. Chris tells the audience that it’s really hard to watch her cry, because he loves her so much, and i believe him – he looked like he was itching to give her a hug and comfort her when she was talking. Drew…looked uncomfortable around emotion.

oh jesus. CH tells us (and the live audience) that Bachelor Nation (is that me, too?) will weigh in on whether or not Des can love anyone like she loved Brooks. I DON’T CARE WHAT THE VIEWERS THINK. i’m not recapping this nonsense. i do like the green dress this one girl is wearing, though. i actually laugh out loud when  CH makes fun of the verbs/adjectives confusion. oh, that’s my favorite. i would also like to give some props to the woman who didn’t clap when CH asks who thinks Des will find love.

Des meets up with Drew at “Rendezvous Bay”, which is a brilliant move by producers. holy god, she tells us that she “hopes there will be sparks”, which is the most depressing thing. and she wants to see if she can love him the way she loved Brooks. i think that maybe she should just love Drew for Drew, and not compare him to Brooks, and maybe also try not to love people the way she loved Brooks, because that went hideously awry.

they ride horses together, and when Des asks Drew what he’s been up to, his reply is “hanging out in my room”, which seems like it ought to be illegal when you’re in a beachy place. GO BE OUTSIDE, PRETTY MAN. uh oh. Des tells us that she can’t focus on the beach and the view because she’s not feeling right with Drew, and has to figure out what to say to him.

i am so distracted by her crop top.

i am so distracted by her crop top.

he toasts to “being madly in love”, and her facial expression is that of a woman who just discovered her wine has gone to vinegar. she tells him (through a lot of tears) that she doesn’t think she can be there completely for him. he thanks her for her honesty, and everyone stammers, and it is painful. i really wish this scene had closed captions – i cannot understand a word she is saying. he tells her not to be sorry for not being in love with him – mad props to him for that, since he’s probably hurting. he leaves her on the beach, and with that, it is goodbye to Drew, and hello to NOW WHAT?

"I'm crushed, but I'm still insanely good-looking"

“I’m crushed, but I’m still insanely good-looking”

he tells us that he had made up his mind to be with Des for the rest of his life, and i think this is a good time for some Wisdom on Relationships That Should be Apparent: a relationship, and the decision to be with someone for the rest of your life, is a two-way street. which is to say: you don’t decide that you want to be with someone forever, and then it is so. the two of you decide together to be together for the rest of your lives. NOTICE THE PLURAL THING? it is TWO. TWO. TWO. i think the lesson of this season might boil down to “do not make assumptions about what someone else thinks or feels, instead, converse a lot about those things”.

Drew’s purple shorts are annoyingly ill-fitting. he tells us he doesn’t want a perfect life, he just wants to be happy. start with properly fitting shorts, Drew. life can go on once your shorts understand your body. also, less hair gel.

now, Des has her date with Chris – if it goes well, i think he meets her family, right? her greeting for him is a lot more smiley and giggly, which is promising.

they're like a poster for love

they’re like a poster for love

they go on a catamaran – and wasn’t that her date with Brooks that didn’t happen? i remember her mentioning a catamaran. awkward. he tells her that he will always be there for her, no matter what, and they make cute jokes, and i mean, i’d be okay with her settling for him. i guess she doesn’t plan on telling him that Drew was sent home – maybe that would be too weird. she is CLEARLY enjoying herself. i dunno. i think maybe she was smitten with Brooks but this thing with Chris could be longer-term, because maybe she needed the break-up with Brooks to recognize that Chris is, in fact, the best?

i know. i’m sorry. i’m analyzing a lot here.

the two of them spend some time talking about the relationship, and i honestly tune out because i’m distracted by planning my trip to my hometown next week for my best friend’s wedding. they talk about introducing him to her family, and she says she was hesitant, but wants him to meet them. remember, her brother is a nut. he gives her a journal, which…i feel like she’s received a lot of journals from guys. she feels lucky. i’m SO freaking bored.

the live audience welcomes Des’ lady-friends and Sean and Catherine, and yawwwwwwn. i spend this pointless time updating a wedding weekend schedule, because, again, my real-life friend and her real-life fiancé are having a real-life wedding about which i am WAY more excited.

i like her dress.

i like her dress.

FINALLY. back in Antigua. Chris meets the family – he brings her mom flowers, which i approve of, as a move. her brother dives right in with the questions: what was your first impression of Des? (very beautiful) did you ever think she wasn’t into you? i like Chris’ answer here – that in real life, people might be dating other people, but you don’t get to see it like you do on this show. he says he’s focused on not worrying about her other relationships, and focused on what they have together.

again, Des has clearly not told ANYONE besides Drew that Drew is gone. her family and Chris are in the dark.

Chris goes to talk with Des’ father, and states again how crazy he is about Des. he then does my least favorite thing, and asks for permission to ask for Des’ hand in marriage. seriously? if my boyfriend asked for permission from my father to marry me, i’d be furious. i am not property. my dad, as much as i love him, doesn’t get to decide who i marry. he trusts me to know who is right for me. if someone thought they needed to follow that antiquated tradition, i’d know they were not right for me.

that is all. Chris gets permission to propose. blah. Des talks to her brother, who has concerns, which i don’t care about, because, Des, sweetie, it is your relationship, and not your brother’s. he worries about how she feels post-Brooks. she says it took her a long time to get past it – what, like, three days? actually, given that your relationship with Brooks lasted like 6 weeks, that is an acceptable turn-around time.

Chris meets with Neil Lane to select a diamond engagement ring, which will be completely non-unique, because diamonds are very predictable, i think.

1. propose is an awkward word to pause on 2. this ring is sparkly but bores me

1. propose is an awkward word to pause on
2. this ring is sparkly but bores me

Des cries a lot about her “prince” and how he wants to give her his heart and she wants to return the favor and if she says fairytale i will scream. and then she ends with “i don’t have a clue what i’m going to do”, which contradicts the emotional weight of her other words. i am struggling to figure out if she is happy with her decision to choose Chris, or if she’s telling herself she is and figures that it will eventually come to be true.

Des tells us that she still hasn’t told Chris how she really felt about Brooks, and so i guess her plan is to do that before he can propose? hmm. hmmm.

i like the dress on her but i wish it were an actual color

i like the dress on her but i wish it were an actual color

Chris arrives, and there is an awkward pause because this show requires that the man propose to the woman, but it’s her show, so who talks first, and then they both say “we’re here” and then he starts talking about feelings.

"we will make such tall babies"

“we will make such tall babies”

THANK YOU LORD, he says “i want to make decisions with you, for us”. he starts to kneel and she goes “can i say a few words?” and i think he actually pees himself in fear. i laugh. she tells him that Drew went home earlier (he grins at this), then starts to cry while telling him how incredible Antigua has been, and that she loved Brooks, and has been torn between Chris and Brooks for most of the journey. she tells him that she was so blindsided by her feelings for Brooks that she couldn’t see that the one thing she needed was in front of her.

uh. am i alone in thinking that isn’t really a romantic statement? it’s more of a “i fell really hard for someone else but you’re a good second place prize now that i can’t have my favorite thing” statement, which…huh.

she says that he’s been there the whole time (obviously) and thanks him for never giving up. she says that she loves him, they make out. he gets down on one knee, proposes, and she responds with “yes, a thousand times yes” and then, dramatic music…

yay, i suppose

yay, i suppose

the abc player froze right after this, so…let’s see what else happens. ah, just a recap of these two crazy kids. who have known each other for 6 weeks. this show is ridiculous, and i love it.

he mocks her here for scaring him by not letting him propose

he mocks her here for scaring him by not letting him propose

okay. i’m done. but! juan pablo is the bachelor, and y’all, i’m so excited. GET READY FOR THAT.