“i feel like a serial killer” – product reviews gone wrong

over the summer, i signed up for influenster, a company that sends out free samples to members. i got free cheese (yay!) in one VoxBox, and the latest one (the Violet VoxBox) included nail polish, a headband for exercise, dry shampoo, and a clay face masque. i tried out one of those products today, and thought i would share my, um, super-honest opinion on it. to be crystal clear: influenster is not paying me to write about this product, and the company who made the product is not paying me, either. but i did get this item for free.

the product in question is the red earth clay mask by montagne jeunesse. it smells freaking amazing, right off the bat – there’s pomegranate and cinnamon in there, and the lady on the packaging looked happy about her face mask experience. unfortunately, the great smell is pretty much where my positive feedback ends.


most face masks are squeezable products. i typically use a charcoal mask from origins – a bit tube of black gunk that i use once a week to deep-clean my pores (for those of you totally new to face masks: you apply a dollop of face mask all over your face, wait 10-15 minutes for it to dry or soak in, then rinse off). this particular one is fabric infused with clay (and the first of its kind, at least to my knowledge). from the get-go, that concept appeals to me – less messy than regular masks, and i assumed that the fabric was cut to contour to where my skin needed TLC. except…i couldn’t figure out what the red earth clay mask was intended to do. i knew the scent, i knew how to apply it, i just didn’t see the words “great for ___ skin” anywhere on the package. i looked it up online – their website says it’s great for combination, oily, or normal skin.

but, apparently, it's life-changing

but, apparently, it’s life-changing

i mean, the model looks really pleased. and relaxed. and i have a snow day, so why not try it?

pump the brakes, fool. this is impossible to open.

pump the brakes, fool. this is impossible to open.

as you can see, i had to resort to Ripping It Open Like an Angry Bear, because the “tear here” tab didn’t work. i very likely missed something obvious about how to do that. the first thing i noticed, upon opening the package, was that it smelled like delicious yogurt. i tested it on my wrist, didn’t get any irritation, and proceeded to apply the fabric to my face. i first put it on upside down, because i am very slow sometimes. once i figured out which end was up, i smoothed it on, looked in the mirror, and laughed so hard i almost peed myself.

below is the photograph i texted to my boyfriend.

what. the. hell.

what. the. hell.

you guys. I LOOK LIKE I AM WEARING SOMEONE ELSE’S FACE. i could not stop giggling. to quote my boyfriend, ” that is absolutely terrifying. no offense. you are beautiful”. this is SO POORLY THOUGHT-OUT. the red clay earth mask is the exact same color as the crayola crayon kids grab when they want to draw a white person. so it really looks like i murdered someone*, took their face, and am wearing it about the house in my old navy sweatshirt and polka dot leggings. i left it on for 10 minutes, massaged the fabric (which was wrong, because, as it turns out, when the directions say “massage” they actually mean to say “take the fabric off, massage remaining liquid, then rinse” – something i figured out from their website), took the mask off, hid it in the trash out of fear that someone would see and misunderstand, and washed my face.

i noticed nothing different. my skin is a bit tighter. but my pores aren’t any different, and my skin doesn’t glow…i just am underwhelmed by this. and afraid of it. which is a shame, because (1) i loved everything else in the VoxBox, (2) an easy-to-use face mask sounds like a great idea, and (3) i am 27 and shouldn’t be afraid of a beauty product.

ANYHOW. i would not spend £1.49 on this mask. or use it ever again. sorry, montagne jeunesse. keep making things that smell like magic, but maybe please make a fabric face mask that doesn’t look like skin.

*i didn’t murder anyone.