bachelor preview

the most important night of my life fast approaches.

the bachelor premieres.

with Juan Pablo.

and if you don’t say his name out loud with gusto, i hate you instantly.

Juan Pablo Galavis. i don’t know what to say about him. in this photo, he looks a little goofy, but i basically spent all of his season on the bachelorette waiting for him to speak. he said “yodeling” once, and i died. the man has the most gorgeous accent of all time. also, sometimes he doesn’t wear a shirt.

what you need to know about why i watch this show: sometimes, men are shirtless.

i am also fascinated by the mindset of the contestants. not the “i need to get married before my 26th birthday or i’ll die alone with my cats eating my face” mindset – that is less interesting and more deeply alarming. i’m talking about the mindset that says “the best way to find love is to skydive/swim with sharks/dance on the side of a building* on tv” or the one that says “yep, a show that has a reeeeeally crappy track record of functioning relationships is definitely the place to find my One and Only”. also, there is literally nothing on the planet i want so badly that i would go on tv to compete for it. and i’d be real creeped out if my partner told me he was seeing several other women, we were all his girlfriends, and he was going to decide who to keep in the rotation on a weekly basis. if i was the sort of person who would be totally cool with that, i don’t think i’d be the sort of person who would also burst into tears because my boyfriend was going on dates all week with other women.

and yet. the women who go on this show apparently hold all of the above in their brains at once without exploding. they know that the bachelor/ette series has a low batting average (so to speak), and yet they go on, trusting that something about them will make this one of the seasons that leads to True Love (props to y’all for that level of confidence). they know that Juan Pablo will be dating MANY OTHER LADIES and are apparently able to be cool with that (in that, you know, they’re on the show & presumably know how it operates) and pitch epic jealousy fits when he goes on 17 dates in one week, and they’re not on all of the dates.

so, let’s discuss the ladies. or some of them. i did my research here, and will now discuss some of the contestants. Amy J kind of has crazy eyes in her photo, so i will arbitrarily decide that she will probably have a freak-out at some point. she is a massage therapist from Florida, and her profile tells us that she really loves Thanksgiving (me too!) and the Fourth of July. Andi, 26, is a federal prosecutor, which sounds pretty bad-ass. Cassandra is 21, so i’m going to take a moment here to say GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING, THERE IS NO WAY YOU HAVE HIT THE POINT OF THINKING YOU NEED TO BE ON TV TO FIND LOVE. she is perhaps going to end up being The One Who is Here to Find Fame. Clare is apparently the one who hops out of her limo “seven months pregnant”, but i’m fairly confident that she is wearing a fake baby bump, because…if the show shoots for approximately two, three months….the producers probably aren’t so insane as to think that “Juan Pablo Delivers a Baby, Proposes to Mom” is a good life choice. (or, haha, “Juan Pablo Delivers a Baby, Then Tells Mom She’s Not The One”). Kelly, 27, lists her job as Dog Lover, which is not a freaking job, because if that is, then so am i, in addition to Wine Drinker and Fan of Sleep. ew, she was also inspired by Eat, Pray, Love, so i truly, truly hate her. Lauren H is a Mineral Coordinator – i want to meet her just to know what the f*ck that job title means. Lucy, 24, lists “free spirit” as her job, is besties with Kate Upton (what?), and i will put her in the Fame Goal boat with Cassandra.

the average age of the ladies is 26, with a range from 21 (Cassandra) to 32 (Clare and Renee). Juan Pablo is 32, with a daughter. those are facts to know.

the show premieres across two nights – sunday night is a get-to-know JP and his life, plus behind-the-scenes looks at contestant selection. monday night is the FIRST episode of the show itself – meet the ladies, first impression rose, and first Final Rose Ceremony. as we have no cable/rabbit ears for local tv, i’ll be watching the day after, and posting my thoughts – no full recaps, but i’ll post my reactions and predictions and humorous musings. GET READY.

*they totally danced on the side of a building last season