bachelor: countdown to Juan Pablo

first, major thanks to Kyle for the access to ABC – i would not be able to watch this ridiculousness without your help!

also, it took a few moments for the countdown pun to click: 5, 4, 3, 2…juan pablo! BECAUSE JUAN SOUNDS LIKE ONE and also it’s Juan-uary? that’s a stretch, y’all. 

this aired Sunday night. it is the intro to JP and his ladies. and behind-the-scenes looks at the casting process. which i sort of appreciate – it is casting, it is not real reality, and it is absurd.

for those of you new to my blog: i really truly love Chris Harrison and want him to narrate my life and give me advice. so. that’s pretty important. 

“many of the women have real talent”, says CH, before saying that some must find other ways to stand out, and some “you have to see to believe”. this is all voice-over while we see various women’s application videos.

then it’s off to give roses to the girls. Lucy shrieks and tackle-hugs CH. and she says she ate bacon, so i like her. she appears to be at work at a clothing store and eating bacon. i want her job. she is the “free spirit” who i mentioned in my preview post.

the next girl is NOT surprised, because she dressed up and did her face and got the hair-flip dow. this is Elise, a first grade teacher. OMG they get free tote bags that say The Bachelor? you guys, i am a sucker for swag. “yay for the fairy tale! mom, i’m getting married!” – FALSE, honey.


Lauren is the mineral coordinator, i like her glasses. Alli is a nanny from Chicago and has the fake-smoker voice i associate with the girls who made me twitchy in college. i instantly am not her fan.

we are then treated to lots of clips of all of the contestants saying creepy things like “i’m coming for you, Juan Pablo” and run through a field of sunflowers trying to be coy. it’s very strange.

now we see Juan Pablo, who says he’s very proud to be the first Latino Bachelor (“el bachelor”, is how he phrases that). he talks about how much he works out. he plays soccer. he tells us he’s been practicing his English, and my heart melts, because y’all, i get SO proud when my new-to-English kids make strides, so now i have this weird thing with JP where i’m like “i’m really proud of you and want to also lick you”.

y’all, he was a CUTE kid. dang. there’s a photo with glasses and it’s precious. we see a photo of his daughter when she was born, and go with him when he goes to hang out with Camilla, who is a cute kid. she was born on Valentine’s Day. he does dad things like sing to her in the car, and she looks totally unimpressed. 

Chris tells us that any woman who is serious about JP must also like his family. duh? i think the tricky thing here is that, because he has a daughter, and (it appears) still has a good relationship with her mother, and is very close to his family, he is tied to one location – and whoever is actually serious about him must be comfortable with moving to Miami to be with him. i respect him for staying there, but i’m just saying – it would be a Big Freaking Thing to decide to uproot yourself to move somewhere new.

his female cousins out him as a bit of  a man-whore. which is hysterical. the whole family clearly loves him, but also thinks that he gets around, and has dated many ladies, and it’s funny. 

and then his sister announced, via Skype, that she is pregnant. alright. congrats. that’s a thing i wouldn’t announce to my family when we were being filmed.

his dad gives him the advice a dad would give – find a good woman, make sure she likes Camilla and Camilla likes her, and so on, and JP cries. d’aw. 

there is an in memoriam segment remembering Gia, a contestant who passed away last year. i feel like it’s awkwardly placed, given that it’s right after all the “FIND LOVE, YOUNG MAN” and before the “let’s look at the looniness that will ensue”.

okay, i tuned out during the preview for the monday show. he says the same things – they’re all amazing, how will i make a decision, etc. the women all say the same thing – i didn’t get to talk to him, he’s so dreamy, i’m being left out and don’t understand that, as an adult, i can actually approach another adult and talk. oh, wait. that last part NO ONE EVER SAYS. 

JP says “i don’t want to make a fool of myself” at one point, and y’all…if that’s the case…he shouldn’t have gone on this show.

if you want to take a deeper look at the show (because, let’s be real, i’m pretty much sticking to the superficial in my recaps and reviews), it  has a solid reputation as a show that is predominantly white – white bachelors, white bachelorettes, and mostly white contestants. NPR did a great piece on this (i caught that on my way to work Monday), and what it means (or doesn’t) to have Juan Pablo as the bachelor. it’s a show that would benefit from actually representing america (surprise: america is not all white), and i sincerely hope that the producers actively work to bring contestants and leads of color on – and i don’t think it would be too hard to find people interested.